When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line Screwed up your face and did a little dance, Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.
Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.
Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.
Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.
Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.
The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.