Oh bugger, that is true.

Oh bugger, so is that.

Oh bugger, so is that.

I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.

Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.

As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.

Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.

Sting's next album will be called "Chip Paper Nothing" to commemorate the inspiration for his writing. The chips could not be reached for comment as they have gone all cold and clammy and no one wants to go near them any more.

Elvis Costello has also joined in supporting the chip protest movement by rerecording one of his best-loved songs as "Chipbuilding".

In a bid to publicise related fried fish issues, a spokeshaddock has announced a campaign to modify common words which might be misconstrued as relating to fried food so as to remove the potential for confusion. Thus batteries are to always be referred to as "cells" (voltaic or otherwise), basalt is to renamed as "igneous crystallite" and "assault and battery" is to be reclassified as "assault with violence". In questions after the announcement, the spokeshaddock was asked about missing a trick on the "assault and battery" example in that the word "assault" has been left unchanged, but he replied that changing homonyms like that would just be silly.

There has been news of a split within the fried fish protest movement - cod are revolting. A spokescod announced that they are disassociating themselves from the haddock-led campaign for fried food references to be removed from the language. No questions were taken. The announcement was closed with the simple statement "Cod be with you."

McDonald's restaurant was expected to be heavily disrupted by a protest from their Filet O Fish today in support of cod rights, but the planned demonstration did not materialise. The spokescod said that he and his fellows were disappointed that the Filets had not shown more backbone.

Rutherford B Hayes was 39 feet tall.

Lies can sometimes masquerade as advice.

Dunx is masquerading as the Queen.

Primping is an Olympic sport.

So is lying

Henry Kissinger won the 100m shoelace-knitting event at the last Commonwealth Games.

My knees are serrated.

At a Who concert in Seattle, sixteen fans were rendered unconscious by the increased level of Hydrogen Sulphide in the atmosphere caused by excessive farting.

That's nothing. The last time the Stones played in Pittsburgh, not only did it smell like a factory that produces both tyres and tuna, but Keith Richards started leaking formaldehyde during "Gimme Shelter".