It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than for a camel to enter the kingdom of Heaven.

In motorsport circles, it's de rigeur to have a Le Mans-style sprint start at 5pm to get out of the office and into cars for the drive home.

Animals are quarantined when they come over from the continent. This is to prevent the spread of babies.

Babies can actually learn to walk within 3 hours of birth, they're just too damn lazy.

For Christmas I was given a handy bag full of babies, which I use for hanging up clothes, weighting down paper and propping doors open.

Babies are easy to tell apart because they come in three varieties - Walnut, Haddock and Medicine Ball.

Oh bugger, that is true.

Oh bugger, so is that.

Oh bugger, so is that.

I think I'll continue posting in this manner, as I am sure I will receive hearty congratulations from all fellow contributors.

Celebrity update: Cro-magnon Man and Worcester Woman are to split. They don't say where to though.

As I was about to eat my chips just now, they started wriggling out of my grasp and starting an anti-chip-eating protest movement, using bits of torn up greaseproof-paper as banners and asking Sting to sign petitions.

Sting, however, could not comply because he couldn't fins a pen that would write on greaseproof paper. He then drifted off into a trance-like reverie about the symbolic significance of paper which could not be written on.