Car alarms only go off when someone is trying to steal the car.

Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.

Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.

John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.

I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.

Every clown has a silver lining.

...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.

However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.

I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work

Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.

What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.

Sorry - I've spilt some meths and erased the last six moves.

...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.

Noel Edmunds is a popular Christmas song.

Tripe is infectious.

The elbows of Welshmen are made of Gouda.

All pianos contain half a pound of armadillo shell.

Timmy Mallet can destroy entire cities with one sweep of his arm.

Hamburgers have the same density as depleted uranium.

Car alarms are regularly going off because blackbirds are trying to steal the car.