Unwilling to be caught up in the hype of Celebdaq, I am playing CelebDaquarie, where I mix cocktails for my favourite performers, like Rolf Harris, and send them through the post via their agents.
Tango mixed with equal parts of milk and chutney makes an ideal cocktail to impress celebrity guests at dinner parties. It seems to have an aphrodisiac effect. During my last party, I discovered Barry Norman, Charles Dance, Michael Winner and Janet Street-Porter having wild sex in the bathroom.
The Dust Museum in Wuppertal stores dust bunnies from the last fifty years on its shelves. Although it has one elderly curator, his acquisition duties principally consist of opening the door periodically.
Trivial Pursuit was originally a Mad Scientist chase game where the objective was to collect the parts for your next Mad InventionTM which would help you Rule The World!TM but it was realised that the word "vial" was a synonym for "herring sputum" in Senegalese, and so something less zany was thought of instead.
My employers weekly timesheet includes for non-productive codes, these include sick leave, annual leave, smoking break, coffee break, newspaper reading, idle chatter and non work related internet browsing.
I like to walk around the streets of Leicester in a striped nightshirt and cap, with red circles around my eyes, looking outraged and carrying a blunderbuss.
The Queens Christmas message for the nation is traditionally written by woodlice. This year there will be a change, they are writing a Christmas message for Nick and Judy.
Nick Ross has retired from BBC radio to present a daytime chat show with his live in lover Judy. Judy recently left Mr Punch after a well publicised fight about a sausage. Judy has custody of the sausage.
Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.
...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.