mc5 - ... so help me God.

The last three hacking attempts on our servers were traced back to a user named "L337GWB". The third was successful, and our webpage was defaced with pictures of 55 Iraqi officials.

Bill Oddie just came round to borrow a ladder. He was wearing a pair of comedy false breasts. At least I'm fairly sure they were false.

It was me that trashed rab's site. I did it because I'm furious that he's as lazy as I am, and can't be bothered to capitalise the first letter of his name.

If you stare at the orange juice in Sainsbury's for long enough, it will play the Marseilleise.

Parsnip is denser than lead.

'Cagoul' is the Inuit word for nasal mucus.

Loud music causes whelks to expand to fifteen times their original size.

Tests have shown that monkeys fed purely on cheese actually fight to the death over the slightest provocation.

Sloths are made from rubber, and will bounce to 95% of the height they were dropped from.

Green biro ink is the most toxic substance known to man.

Travellers in the Australian outback are regularly held up by wallabies demanding lager.

The Tower of London is held together by raven spit.

I, for one, am not glad that MC5 is back up. 3 working sites is plenty.

rab

I am not pleased that the server didn't crash last night as it hasn't given me the opportunity to test my autorestore script.

Pah! You won't find me posting here again.

My Celebdaq shares in Queen Victoria are performing well.

You won't catch me using (eat more chocolate) subliminal messages.

Unwilling to be caught up in the hype of Celebdaq, I am playing CelebDaquarie, where I mix cocktails for my favourite performers, like Rolf Harris, and send them through the post via their agents.

Tango mixed with equal parts of milk and chutney makes an ideal cocktail to impress celebrity guests at dinner parties. It seems to have an aphrodisiac effect. During my last party, I discovered Barry Norman, Charles Dance, Michael Winner and Janet Street-Porter having wild sex in the bathroom.

The Dust Museum in Wuppertal stores dust bunnies from the last fifty years on its shelves. Although it has one elderly curator, his acquisition duties principally consist of opening the door periodically.

Hammerhead sharks are known for their proficiency in Salsa dancing.

Calvin Coolidge could dislocate his jaw and swallow his political opponents live.

Golda Meir was a Quaker.

Ibid & Projoy are actually Simon & Garfunkel. ("Lie-lie-lie...lie-lie-lie-lie, Lie-lie-lie....")

You can get rid off annoying horseflies simply by undoing them.

Horseflies have their own Grand National. Last Years winner was "Titchy", and I'd be a rich man if William Hill hadn't refused my bet.

Thos

Peace lilies are in fact very noisy when no-one's at home to hear them.

Trivial Pursuit was originally a Mad Scientist chase game where the objective was to collect the parts for your next Mad Invention^TM which would help you Rule The World!^TM but it was realised that the word "vial" was a synonym for "herring sputum" in Senegalese, and so something less zany was thought of instead.

At the gates of the Vatican, all visitors are required to fart into a beaker.

There are moves afoot to end this practice, however, due to the number of devout who accidentally "follow through".

Timberlake Wertembaker wrote Three Birds Farting in a Beaker

I'm posting this move from Paraguay.

I'm posting this move from Bhutan.

I'm posting this move from Gabon.

I'm posting this move from Moldova.

I'm posting this move from St Kitts Nevis.

I'm posting this move from Kiribati.

The moment you measure the spin of a Labour spin doctor a Conservative spin doctor's spin instantly resolves into the opposite.

Liberal Democrats have no spin, leg or off. Luckily Charles Kennedy is a fast bowler.

Fat German

I have posted in this game every day since I was born.

I wasn't born, I congealed.

I have never attempted to collect my farts in any type of glass container.

Lib

I have never farted.

My other car is a porch.

There were originally four coins in the fountain, but the fourth one left over artistic differences.

Meatloaf was later shown to have done that aswell, although in his defense it wasn't for love.

I bet you lot all feel embarrassed that you accidentally posted unbolded all this time eh?

My use of italics here is purely accidental and coincidental.

My use of italics here is because I am Italian

Everyone I know is excited about the forthcoming council elections.

Short-sightedness can be temporarily cured by being breathed on by a chicken.

Pope Urban IV was personally responsible for the creation of ninety-six different varieties of cheese.

Octopi can play the bagpipes, but refuse to on the grounds that it makes them look silly.

Inkspot

My employers weekly timesheet includes for non-productive codes, these include sick leave, annual leave, smoking break, coffee break, newspaper reading, idle chatter and non work related internet browsing.

My real name is Tog and I live in Pogles Wood.

Stealing the Mona Lisa is so easy it's like taking candy from a baby.

Why, I've stolen the Mona Lisa ten times if I've stolen it once.

Taking candy from a baby is a capital offence in Florida.

I'm going to rock down to electric avenue, and then I'll take it higher.

Manchester United often pop round to my flat for a quick massage.

Cair Paravel in the Narnia Books was actually converted into a castle from yuppie flats.

L. Frank Baum had a rare microbial stomach infestation that made him tunnel into doors and subsist on wood chippings.

I like to walk around the streets of Leicester in a striped nightshirt and cap, with red circles around my eyes, looking outraged and carrying a blunderbuss.

The Scottish General Election has been won by the League of Martians. That makes me proud to be Welsh.

The word 'moist' is illegal in Kenya.

'Toilet Tissue' means 'fight like a squirrel' in Welsh.

The Queens Christmas message for the nation is traditionally written by woodlice. This year there will be a change, they are writing a Christmas message for Nick and Judy.

Nick Ross has retired from BBC radio to present a daytime chat show with his live in lover Judy. Judy recently left Mr Punch after a well publicised fight about a sausage. Judy has custody of the sausage.

I know what I'm doing

Boolbar

There's plenty of time for everything.

[gil] That did not remind me of a Jethro Tull song. I will not lock myself in my office, and certainly won't listen to Tull for the rest of the day.

Sleep is completely unnecessary. 'Tiredness' is merely withdrawal symptoms.

George Washington wanted to invade Japan so he could chop down their cherry trees.

Car alarms only go off when someone is trying to steal the car.

Rain is caused when overloaded clouds are punctured by birds.

Everyone is happy to see clowns. They aren't at all creepy.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is the new spokesman for Real Madrid.

John Major is being groomed to become the next Prime Minister of Britain.

I never really wanted to marry Emma Freud or Lucinda Lambton.

Every clown has a silver lining.

...but that silver lining is thin. You must melt down 10 clowns to get one troy ounce of silver.

However, it only requires 5.347 clowns to produce a marina ounce, although those clowns must halal.

I bitterly resent the Bank Holiday and wish I was in work

Marmite is made of marmots that have been bled dry, skinned, roasted, toasted, and then ground into a fine powder. This is then added to the blood and the whole lot is boiled until it reduces to a paste form. Which is just one reason why I hate it.

What horrible weather. It is a joy to be back at work.

Sorry - I've spilt some meths and erased the last six moves.

...which is odd because I ended up marrying them both. Sadly to each other. They have bourne three children, each of which bears a striking resemblance to Noel Edmunds.

Noel Edmunds is a popular Christmas song.

Tripe is infectious.

The elbows of Welshmen are made of Gouda.

All pianos contain half a pound of armadillo shell.

Timmy Mallet can destroy entire cities with one sweep of his arm.

Hamburgers have the same density as depleted uranium.

Car alarms are regularly going off because blackbirds are trying to steal the car.

A single volkswagen can feed a family of blackbirds for three weeks.

Dick Cheney is under the control of blackbirds that hypnotised him in 1973.

Prince Charles wears a cufflink that can generate a personal force field, and shoot a laser beam that can cut through six feet of concrete.

In 2001, ninety-three people in Bromsgrove were devoured by rabid voles.

In the city of Wichita, it is only legal to spit to your left. Spitting to your right is punishable by five years in jail.

Waterloo by Abba was originally entitled 'Bromsgrove' here it is, as first written, in Aboriginal Welsh.

Jo, jo, vid Bromsgrove Napoleon fick ge sej
men, Men, sitt öde kan man
möta på så många skilda sätt
själv känner jag, sen jag mött dej
historien upprepar sej

Bromsgrove, jag är besegrad, nu ger jag mej
Bromsgrove, lova mej nöjet att älska dej
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Jo, jo, man värjer sej och fäktas i det längsta
men, men, mot känslor kämpar gudarna
har man sagt
det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, så har man funnit sini överman
Bromsgrove, mäktig och väldig och stark är han
Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Det är som jag hörde en sång
jag tror det är kärlek på gång

Bromsgrove, allting känns rätt, och det är min tro
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove
Bromsgrove, du är mitt öde, mitt Bromsgrove

Bob the Dog is overworked (and I'm not awestruck by that move!)

What men find hard to understand about women is the fact that their brains exist in three more dimensions. Women call these 'fnutt', 'shop-soiled' and 'mildy acerbic', and this ability gives women their incredible powers of intuition and insight.

A recent survey found most tea-cups are leather.

Most wood is impervious to gamma rays.

Never trust a person who can use the word 'palimpsest' in polite conversation.

Unfortunately, owing to an administrative error involving tea-cosies, my previous statement was true. I will now kill myself.

Also, if you run out of boot polish, vegemite or marmite is an excellent substitute.

flerdle

I believe everything PaulWay says.

There will be another along in a minute

In a Tarot reading, the Three of Traffic Cones (also known as the Trefoil Earlobe in Boris's "Nomenclature of the Minor Arcana") means you will suffer second degree burns during a home torture accident. By contrast, inverted the card means you will gain fifteen pounds when you fall into a depression following an over-vigorous sexual encounter which ends in estrangement.

Estrangement is an embarrassing way to die.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

I'm going to Basra for vacation this year.

Basra is reknowned for its topless bars and easy going, friendly gigolos.

matt

So is London.

London is also famous for its biannual luvvie hunt, which helps to strengthen the West End by clearing out the old and weak actors. They are dug out of their bars, and chased by ravenous critics, to rapturous applause.

My favourite seduction technique is to half close my eyes and pop my tongue in and out of my mouth in a suggestive manner. It works every time.

The Queen earns a bit of money on the side as a cabbie.

If you lick the queen, she gets very sticky.

The queen is stuck to my shoe! I've tried scraping her off(oo-er), but to no avail.

I didn't have too much to drink last night.

Cro-Magnon Man is pleased to announced his marriage to Worcester Woman.

You bet he's pleased. She has a reputation for being quite saucy. [Projoy] Congratulations by the way.

I told you my seduction technique works every time.

I never thought of making a sauce reference as Btd did above.

Bob the dog did something on my carpet.

Break dancing is banned in most china shops.

[Re DrQ] It was a feasibility study. Sadly, DrQu+xum's carpet proved to be unfeasible.
[Re Dunx] Unless you live in Bromsgrove.

[BtD] I actually meant moist china shops. Since Bromsgrove is in the middle of the Atacama Desert, I think you must be mistaken.

Btd

[Dunx] I stand corrected.

Watch me eat my breakfast live on the internet! Just plug into your cereal port!

I won a year's supply of chocolate mice in a competition and now every time I use my computer I get sticky hands.

</lie>[Projoy] Are you sure that's the chocolate?<lie>
There was in fact only ever one Degree; the other two were simulated by the use of time delayed mirrors and prerecorded harmonies.

Projoy is a clean-living, celibate, upstanding member of society.

...as this picture clearly shows.

I did not have to look at that picture 12 times to make sure that it was Projoy and not Yer Mom.

Or nat, or Néa, or even Thos.

Camels can live as long as 110 years.