The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.
All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.
The Caps Lock key was invented by Reuben C. Carrion of Fresno, California. It sold moderately well, but it was not until Carrion met Hatfield Sheiner at the World's Fair of 1854, hosted in the forests of Borneo, that he saw the potential for adding a second key to the keyboard - the "@". Through the valiant efforts of subsequent inventors, a tab and an ampersand key were added followed in the next ten years by the number and letter keys, to make the typewriter keyboard we now know.
when all sixteen checkouts crash in the middle of a saturday lunchtime at *a certain well known UK-based supermarket chain*, it's very very funny indeed.
The invention of the car owes very much to the development of the hubcap which was first patented in 1789 and then stoodly idly for a century of so until somebody scraped off the rust and invented something for it to go on.
Because of an administrative error, the Kingdom of God is unable to admit anyone this week so anyone who dies must go to Hell, where they will be entitled to file an application to be considered for admission through the pearly gates.
Applicants are encouraged to do this before next year, when a strict quota system for immigrants and asylum seekers will be inaugurated, drastically cutting down on the number of entrants into Heaven.
Ritual stoning of persons named Hywel was only banned in Flintshire in 1976. A loophole remains, however, so all you Gwilym's best steer clear of Mold.
Kentucky Fried Chicken are considering a move into more upmarket territory. Their new chains of restaurants serving deep fried meats from the Asian subcontinent will reportedly bear the slogan "It's finger Ling-Ling good".
Another proposal from KFC is a combination of psychoanalysis and fried chicken. With a free Rorshach (sp?) test with each Family Bucket, Kentucky Freud Chicken's slogan is to be "It's motherfucking good".
Automatic word-wrapping was invented by Macy's department store in the depression when people could not afford to buy tangible items as gifts but could afford 2¢ to have a special word done up in ribbons and paper for a loved one.
This custom gave rise to the expression "Waal thass mah two censs wath", commonly abbreviated to the semi-mandatory "Just my $0.02" after fatuous and irrelevant comments in modern e-communications.
I am dead. [nights] You aren't the first to be crushed like a snail under the heal of Penelope's boot. We had a romantic e-date on MCiOS for V-Day that she stood me up on. So have no sympathy when she posts about her latest failed romance - it's all a trap to lure us poor unfortunates into her twisted web of torture...
Being in a Rag Cabaret and not knowing the dance for the finale because we weren't able to be in the rehearsal is tremendous fun and really gives you a feeling of superiority
It was my idea to make car windscreens transparent- before 1936 all windscreens were made from vinegar and rope, and presented many difficulties in ascertaining if the wipers were functioning correctly, nevermind actually driving.
Contrary to popular belief, the Seoul Tower is not the tallest builing in the world- The tallest building is infact my house. Not instantly obvoius, my apparent 'bungelow' has been constructed in a 800 metre deep pit, the lower 399 floors are of soil/bedrock construction, with the top floor being of brick and wax
In an unprecedented deal, tube station Queens Park, formerly on the Bakerloo line, has been signed for £7m to join the Docklands Light Railway. It is hoped that the legendary station will restore the fortunes of DLR both in the all-Underground champions' league and the Limehouse Under-5 basketball challenge.
Apart from tranparent car windscreens, I also invented the cup handle. Early experiments in 1976, which involved carving prototypes from ice proved rather successful, but when production commenced in India in 1980 an alternative material was sourced. For 14 years all subsequent cup handles were constructed form grass cuttings. In 1994 I successfully established a method of attaching the handle to the cup. An unbelievable tale of how two seemingly unrelated inventions can be combined to produce a really useful containment vessel for hot brown liquids.
Pelgis is lying. I actually invented the cup handle (and attachment technique) in 1972, but the patent office refused my submission on the grounds I was only 5 years old.
Keith Barron (David Pearce in BBC classic comedy 'Duty Free') had the outstanding ability to respire using oxygen derived from the breakdown of water molecules using his hair. This enabled him to spend lengthy periods underwater without surfacing. Unfortunatley he also produced vast quantities of hydrogen as a by-product, and was responsible for a number of explosions in the South Yorkshire area.
It was revealed in last night's Evening Post that 'First Avon and Somerset' is an anagram of 'We want to hurt every resident in the Bath area personally'.
The concept of the 'Geostationary orbit' was concieved by Floella Benjeman and Hamble, and falsly claimed by Arthur C Clarke. However it was Arthur C's idea to use different shaped magic windows in Playschool.
I recently fell in love. Love has the texture and colouring of watery Turkish delight. It took me ages to get my clothes clean and even now I'm followed everywhere by an army of tom cats with amorous expressions.
I'm certainly not listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 mixed with Röyksopp's Eple and enjoying the hell out of it. Or bopping my head along with it in the library. Or getting funny looks.
Used hand handgrenades are a very rare commodity, therefore their prices are extortionatly inflated. Beware of people selling new ones and claiming that they are used- they may infact be lying.
Fact- I left home this morning, not realising that I had infact left my car keys behind. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at work and realised this, and wondered how I had infact got there successfully...........
I am not at all pleased that planning for the Rugby Pilg 2 seems to be gathering momentum with a good crowd of participants. I'm dreading the whole thing.
In Shakespearean times it was in fact perfectly OK for women to appear on stage, contrary to popular opinion. But you know what actors are like, any excuse for some transvestitism. The Bard himself was known as "Big Wilhelmina" at the weekends.
when they change everything around at work, it makes for a hilarious shift. [/lie]I should stop using this game to complain about my job, I suppose. this'll be the last one.[lie]
In the event that my postulations continue to reverberate in such lonely fashion, I shall be forced to set off o'er yonder hillock for the purpose of procuring compounds designed to precipitate a psychological episode of the type not at all advocated by the human resources department.
onion bahjis have just peaked at $0.14 a barrel on the US commodities market- this is due to a siginficant increase in the demand from China, South Korea and South Yorkshire
Scientists working at the University of Tegiucigalpa have just announced the first scotch egg with a rudimentary consciousness. The scotch egg was conscious for less than 4 picoseconds, but in that time it managed to think about doing some ironing.
The human brain is often described as being like porridge. Sadly, few people extend this idea, for if they did, and added brown sugar and golden syrup to their brain, and gave it a good stir, it would actually work rather better.
There is a new vegetarian restaurant opening in Charlotte Street, London devoted solely to gnocchi. Little Dumplings (as it is called) is the brainchild of Leonardo and Sylvia Flavorisimo, originally of Naples. The gnocchi will be served plain or with a light grey sauce.