(fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)

If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.

Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.

Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.

Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.

I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.

I love testing.

The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.

Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.

The middle name of the current President of the United States is Warehouse.

[Tuj: I think you're confusing him with Nixon.]

Hurricane - I don't think so Mrs - leave the weather forecasting to us experts!

I'd just like to say that it wasn't me!!!!!!!!

Blocked drains can be cleared simply by playing them a recording of You'll Never Walk Alone played by a professional banjo orchestra

The St Winifred's School Choir are not allowed within forty feet of inflammable materials by order of a Barnsbury court.

If you close your eyes and swallow a plectrum in St Paul's Cathedral you will receive a night-visitation from Jimi Hendrix within the next forty minutes.

I was so glad to read that the dollar is shrinking. I thought it was just that I'd forgotten to take them out of the pocket of my jeans before washing.

I just spent a couple of minutes simply standing outside the door of my workshop. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds floating around. The birds, whilst jumping around in the trees, were relatively quiet and the traffic noise was almost non-existent. A zephyr was playing touch with the leaves of the trees and the temperature about 24°C. In the distance I could hear the sound of someone mowing their lawn. I hate this time of year.

McDonalds have been forced to drop McLapin aux Headlights from their menu in the United States owing to the recent outbreak of "Peeved Weasle" disease. It was at first thought that the domestic groundhog could be substituted, but Burger King sued as groundhog is apparently the secret ingredient in the Burger King Croissandhog™. Rather than get into a protracted fight over the rights to free-range rodents, McDonalds Corp. decided to concentrate on their new range of healthy pan-fried iguana dishes.