Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.

I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.

I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.

There's no place like home.

I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.

[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.

Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?

[Tuj] Yes, I have.

The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.

I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????

In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.

</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>

The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!

Every vote counts.

Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."

in a time past
as the council of elders
sat around the ceremonial fire
passing the pipe of knowledge
from one palsied hand to the other
they dipped their feathered quill
into ink and devised a constitution
a set of laws [house rules]
to be imposed on their children
it occurred to them
through life s experience
that youth never heed the advice of their elders
and thus
it was decided a messenger was needed
who might relay their proclamations
to the populace
but whom could they place at the podium
to deliver their ultimatums who
would not be associated with the council of elders
only a popular man of the people
someone the masses themselves elected as their champion
a chosen leader

and we shall nominate him
mocked the council of aged chieftans
while smoke billowed about their shiny heads
and the pipe passed around once more
we will nominate not one they agreed
but two candidates
and then allow the populace to decide on one of the two
and in their limited comprehension
they will believe he is their voice
let the first be a dithering dunderhead
and the second a pompous ass
and either way the vote goes
we have our say
and a good laugh
at their expense

thus ended their parliamentary collusion
with lots of congratulatory ass slapping
and after
seated on marbled benches
with garlands on their heads
they wrapped towels about their portly selves
and squeezed imported grapes past balmy lips
whilst dangling manicured toes into steamy baths
where young sensuous harlots
bathed one another in oils
rekindling memories
of lost libido s

Aboriginal Australians belief that they can walk on the astral plane by inhaling termites through a dijeridoo. Indeed, this is in fact the primary purpose of the hollow treetrunks. The whole musical instrument/circular breathing thing came about as a joke played on the first white Europeans to attempt a study of them. The same is not true of the Bassoon, which was designed as a musical instrument and only later came to be used as a nasal insect bong when the Goths brought the instrument to Italy while on their way to sack Rome.

I once took a toke of Red Leb through an Oboe, it was a totaly magical musical moment only spoilt by the fact that the Red Leb turned out to be a crushed and powderd wasp mixed with wheato-flakes!. Still its a very cheap way of getting a high (except for the cost of the Oboe)if you can wait a week or so for the dead wasp(s) to dry out........Plus it has a real sting in its tail!!!!!!

I once got the sack for being in Rome, coz I should have been at work!!

I hate the weekend.

Weekends are far more exciting that weekdays.

I like those days that fall inbetween weekends and weekdays. The so called "none" days are my fav....But, then again, I do live in a strange 5 dimensional world made up off pizza, curry and loose tea!!!

I love confusing the words "than" and "that". It gives me enormous self-esteem and truly underlines my status as a pedant.

I'm really glad that I'm poorly on a weekend and don't have to miss work, only miss a choir concert instead.

I'm really glad that my entire family is poorly on a weekend and I have to look after them all while I should be working - with little to look forward to except catching the bug and spending the rest of the week performing Wagner into a bucket.

Oh the joys of vegetable soup on a duvet!

In no way do I apologise for the previous postings.

Pelgis cannot and shall not be liable for any side-effects of electroconvulsivetherapy which will almost definitely include: substantial redesign, renovation, and refurbishment of frontal and lateral lobes, expansion of cerebral panorama; interpersonal drama; fundamental, incidental and monumental changes in karma, destiny and personal fate; transcendental states, heated debates; temporary insanity, leaning towards depravity, outbursts of profanity, experience of profundity; division, subtraction or multiplication of personality; heightened rowdiness, silliness, friendliness, loneliness, liveliness, loveliness, dizziness and drowsiness; demonstrations of flamboyance, annoyance, petulance, elegance, eloquence, indolence and somnolence; uncharacteristic incidence of indiscretion; fluctuating levels of hormones, pheromones and garden gnomes. No responsibility will be accepted for squabblers; pyscodabblers, grapplers, burblers, bumblers, fumblers, mumblers, stumblers, bunglers, and airborne wobblers. Please note children are not allowed to play with mood swings, roundabouts and roller coasters.

I have a six hour gap before my next lecture, and I'm certainly not contemplating bunking off.

neither did I go home and watch Trisha while pretending to work on my essay.

It is my birthday today, and i have celebrated by fouling my undergarments.

Powdered wasp, sometimes mixed with Wheato-Flakes and inhaled through an Obong by degenerates, is actually robbed of much of its intoxicating power when drawn through a wood tube of any kind as the tetrahydrowaspinol, the agent which provides the "sting in the tail" so highly prized by the wasp-fiend, is adsorbed readily by hardwood fibres. The resulting expansion of the fibres also renders the oboe in question permanently a good quarter-tone flat; untuneable by orchestra standards. The discerning consumer desiring a less wantonly sacrificial high should use only those woodwind instruments that are not made of wood such as the flute, all members of the saxophone family and the swanee whistle (with the slide removed) to injest their pulverised insect preparations, or to invest in a purpose-built waspbong. These pricey items can even be obtained in "stealth" designs including a very convincing oboe, which unfortunately cannot be played since the reed is cast as part of the mouthpeice and does not vibrate.

The line "That's a novel idea!" about NaNoWriMo is entirely original and will not result in the recipient of said epithet thwapping the proferrer across the bridge of the nose with any handy writing implement (eg laptop) that may be to hand.

Buying and selling a house is an inexpensive way of reducing your stress.

Bool] You do not get any sympathy from me!

I had a dismal time at a Rufus Wainwright concert last week.

Wet sand is a perfectly acceptable substitute for sewing machine oil.

Deep root fillings and tooth extraction are still the best forms of entertainment