It is possible to play the saxophone quietly.

And the bagpipes.

A superflous nipple, to most people's surprise, looks astonishingly similar to an ordinary nipple. The best way to confirm the presence of an superflous nipple is to compare it to an existing and confirmed nipple; usually those which reside on your chest are conventional and most convenient.

One in every fifty sets of bagpipes contains a fifty pound note in its bag. To find it, you need to slit the bag open with a stanley knife, then use the fifty pound note to buy a new set of bagpipes. Unfortunately, this special offer has given rise to random bagpipe attacks by thugs on the streets of Ullapool, Inver Mallie and Inchrory. However, it has been an economic success for the bagpipe industry which as the result of the promotion has seen sales rise by at least 15% in every industrialised nation plus Mongolia.

She Stoops To Conquer began life as a draft for an advertising jingle, before Goldsmith saw potential in it and worked it up into a full pitch.

I have just discovered that I am one of very few people ever, to have two superflous nipples and no real ones. The only other people in the history of humanity were, Gunga Din and Sammy Davis Jnr.

Everyone Loves George Bush.

When working an eight hour shift, the incessant beeping of the till can have a midly hallucinogenic effect on the mind. colours seem more vivid, and the bing bong of the tannoy will send thousands of spiders crawling out of people's eyes.

The Farnborough International Air Show this year will feature samples of air from all over the world, including Scunthorpe. It will be the first time air has been successfully transported from Scunthorpe

If you listen to Mozart's Requiem backwards you can hear the words 'This is going to be the last bit of music I ever compose'; which is odd because Mozart spoke German.

.siht yltcaxe yas lliw ti sdrawkcab siht dear uoy fI

Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.

I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.

I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.

There's no place like home.

I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.

[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.

Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?

[Tuj] Yes, I have.

The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.

I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????

In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.

</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>

The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!

Every vote counts.

Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."