The EU quota for Cumulo-nimbus clouds has been exceeded for this year, as a result Ireland and Portugal will have their cloud cover reduced in November, until the price of tambourines recedes to an acceptible level. France can maintain there current level output due their incopatibility with other global weather systems.

If you slam a Mini-Metro door on a giraffe's genitalia, it's cry can be used to lure albinos from their hammocks.

When participating in presidential debates do not wear a brazier.

E-Mail spam is a thing of the past thanks to pro-active legislation by governments and international cross-discipline cooperation in the IT world.

i am cool

The Neolithic Era - which is popularly belived to have occured way back in times of yore - actually took place in 2000, upon the strength of the popularity of the first 'Matrix' film. A set of Commemorative Lithographs of Keanu Reeves were released and sold on numerous websites for a fortnight. Demand was so high that these items sky-rocketted in value within days, after shrewd collectors bought them upon mass, and for the next 18 months, the entirety of the World's Economy was in flux, and centred around Traders offering these memorabillia on eBay at the price of an average Third World country's debt.

Joss Stone isn't a type of stone at all! It is infact a type of Malaysian hard Wood!!

All lumberjacks look like lovely ladies.

I have observed the enemy among us!!! Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are specially equipped robotic drones responsible for the alien abduction of countless persons each night. Traveling freely to and from their homeworld, located in a parallel universe, via wormholes in common garden veggies such as pumpkin, cantelope, sweet corn, and cabbage-leaves [to name just a few] mosquitoes are conducting clandestine experiments requiring our stolen DNA. What was that sound......? Oh dear god....they are outside my window as we speak [monitoring my keystrokes]. I am doomed! doomed I tell you! They will come for me tonight. I will die a martyr! viva la revolucion!

I once worked in the Library at University, where I was assigned to the cattle-logging department. It proved too difficult a task for me to master, seeing as I had had no prior training as a Lumberjack.

You'll never see me buying a "Girls Aloud" single. Oh no.

A US NTSC Playstation II can be induced to produce an acceptable UK PAL compatable signal at its RF modulator by striking the case smartly 10-12 times with an ordinary ball peen hammer. Then it is simply a matter of adjusting the line voltage of the power supply from 110 volts to a nominal 240 volts (actually 220 but close enough) by microwaving the unit for 3 minutes on the "Frozen Chicken" setting of your oven. Japanese game cartridges can be made to play in English by soaking them overnight in a bowl of cider vinegar with a pinch of table salt added.

{b]The Sun[/b]... we love it.

Bollocks.

In one province of Vietnam it is said two Bollocks were hitched to a plow and the frightened water buffalo ran away dragging them through the rice paddies.

I jumped from a runaway locomotive and landed here!!! Dear Lord, somebody roll me back onto the tracks, pleeeease.

I have the world's largest collection of cubic centimetres.

I went to a disco in a quarry. It was the pits.

I went to an all you can eat eatery, but when I asked for seconds, the waiter set my watch back thirty.

The finest and most elaborate to prepare dish in the world is Lapin aux Headlights, the cooking of which requires a two-ton truck with a big hook, a small clutch of weasels, a sack of oatmeal, of which just 1% will be used in the final dish, and a variety of exotic postage stamps. It is considered bad form for the chef ever to meet the diner, and if they ever do meet in subsequent years, are by convention obliged to touch bottoms together in the nearest estate agents' before running away to separate continents.

I find the last recipe suggestion utterly, nay, compellingly mouth-watering.

In that case you'll love my licourice wellingtons.

The part of Chewbacca in the crackerjack space adventure movie Star Wars was originally offered to Danny DeVito. The suit and prosthetics were already made for him when he was forced to pull out of the project (due to a prior commitment to play Ulysses S. Grant in a musical version of the Battle of Gettysburg) and the costume was re-tailored for the replacement actor using bits of Lucas's shag-pile rug. If you look closely at an unretouched print you can clearly make out the alterations since the colors and naps do not match.

The practice of pigeon-duelling has now been successfully outlawed in 50 local authorities of the UK.

Humans are the only species of animal that have not learned to walk on all fours.

McDonalds in Place de Concorde, Paris is now offering McLapin aux Headlights, a fast-food version of the celebrated gourmet dish. After a trial period, it is planned to roll it out to all McDonalds in France, Spain, Greece and Latin America. It is not expected to be added to the British menus though, due to national views on the whole "bottom" thing (which the naughty French take in their stride and other nations positively revel in).

I've just walked into a lamp post. It's cramped and suprisingly dark, I hope I can get out.

That's nothing. I changed into a pair of trousers earlier.

I'm thrilled skinny to be back at university.

Healthy teeth and gums may be ensured by chewing a small wad of aluminium foil for ten minutes each day, being sure to work it around the molars. The foil should not be swallowed after use, but saved in a convenient place until it can be sent to Blue Peter to buy "hearing-ear" guide dogs for the deaf.

Herrings, when placed up the nose of a colleague, make excellent adornments for a party.

Fortunately for connoiseurs of Star Wars wishing to investigate Chewbacca's costume discontinuity, there are myriad copies of unretouched prints. George Lucas has an astonishing reverence for the history of his work and under no circumstances would he modify the original films or modify significant character elements.

Military organisations like to choose cute names ("Operation Sealion", "Operation Mincemeat") for their secret plans, but this is a comparatively recent habit, and was only introduced by the British in the first world war, after the catastrophic failure of "Operation Secret Plan to invade Germany via a secret expedition to the Southern Baltic, landing just around Danzig on August 7th, at 5pm or later if tea delayed."

In the early seventies I owned a dog named Bonzo who had surprisingly musical doo-dahs. The rest is history.

I found your "Military Operation Naming" entry to be the most unamusing thing I've seen in ages, Projoy. I won't be showing that one around the office.

Fourteen Pro Plus before a nine hour shift at a leading supermarket is an excellent idea, it makes you efficient, happy and very pleased to see customers.

Similarly, if you are stuck for something to do, I recommend moving. It's pleasant, easy, and helps you make friends easily. Perhaps the best part is wondering, once it's all over, where all those mysterious cuts and wounds came from.