MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!

If you meet the Great Cthulhu in the street, always make a joke or pun about tentacles. He loves those.

Felix the Cat, is, infact a large black and white mouse in disguise!!!

[widey] That comes as a severe shock to Postman Pat.

"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."

I have hundreds of good chat up lines.

I have hundreds of bad ones.

[Deek] I don't wanna hear any of them!

"Did i ever tell you why I give up manual labor? I was hauling freight up from Darby one afternoon in the most Hellacious drouth this country has ever seen, why it was so hot my wagons wheels were glowing red and the nails soon melted outen my horses shoes, matter of fact my lead horse Milo throwed his sole remaining shoe and it landed in the draw ahead of us where it fairly upset a poor chap of a field mouse whom was attempting to hang himself from a thistle to escape the climate, the said mouse then tried to flee across the asphalt but when at the center of the highway his feet caught fire and before he'd got to the other side he was engulfed in a conflagration of flames that straightway careened into the ditch and bounced out into a hayfield where it sparked a brush fire that was burning so infernal hot that it [by it i mean the brush fire-not the mouse, as i am afeared the mouse was consumed in the conflagration] promptly [dropped and rolled] and near smothered itself out before I could get there to assist it in climbing up onto my wagons bed to be transported to the Haliburton Burn Clinic where a team of burn specialists began treating it around the clock with cold packs and icicle drips and antibiotics to bring the blisters back down and make it burn with less intensity as a proper flame should. Well after that incident i could never take the sun again and the doc told me to stay indoors and imbibe lots of liquids and i ain't one to go against no man of science, however, there was this other occasion....."

I used to be the patient of a child psychologist. It never really worked out as he was just too young.

Strangely, I used to be a child psychologist till I grew out of it.

The story of Ali Baba in fact features far more than forty thieves, but the other four hundred and sixteen were not credited just to keep the titles short enough.

Not only did Sceherazade tell many stories, but you should have seen what she could do with a dried pea!

"Gorgon" was in fact a cleaning product designed specifically to clean up bloodstains. The formula is now lost, however, which is why you just don't get the same class of clean cut (and above all blood spatter-free) heroes these days.

The minotaur was named for a small cairn on the South Downs.

Donald Rumsfeld speaks fourteen languages, a feat surpassed only by Robin Cook's mastery of twenty six distinct tongues. However, Rummy has the advantage of knowing languages that other people speak.

The first big wheel was made from old bronze spears captured during the Punic Wars. The gods prevented it from being called a ferris wheel because it was not made of iron.

J K Rowling's elfin character Dobby is to be joined in the next book by another elf called Dubby whose sole aim in life is to ensure boots and shoes are thoroughly cleaned and waterproofed. He becomes Harry Potter's enemy when the protowizard starts wearing new fangled training shoes made from artifical fabrics which do not require Dubby's leather-nourishing attentions.

The Norwegian explorer Thor Heyerdahl earned his name by renting one too many Indian takeaways sold by cairn-dwelling vendors.

Each of my toes is painted a different colour of the rainbow.

Chess is easy. I win all the time.

Baked beans are manufactured by the very careful use of an adze on specially grown balsa wood staves. A single tree can yield as many as three beans!

The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...

Purple is just blue that has failed its purity test.

Bumble bees can go as long as twenty minutes without making a mistake.

Mistakes are what I eat for my evening meal when the wife goes away.

A 'Continental Breakfast' is a wonderful welcome to the new day and is a terrific introduction to local produce, delicacies and the like.

'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'

Should someone send you an invite with "BYO" appended it means it's a serious dinner.

I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.

Parmesan cheese was invented as a form of torture for those with sensitive noses.