I have modified my car alarm to fit our wheelie bin.

I've fiddled with my sons clock, he wakes up and leaves rubbish on my carpet

I fiddle with my clock all the time...but the rest of the orchestra prefers bows.

i like clocking squirrels upsidethe headwith a baseball bat.

my spacebar workswell.

MYCAPSLOCKISSTUCKANDMYSPACEBARDOESN'TWORKEITHER.

I went to a space bar but there was no one there so I had a glass with nothing in it.

Squirrel = target practice.

I've been mising for 9 days! No one noticed, including me! I wonder where I went? Ah well, I hope I had a good time whatever I was doing............

[belated telegraph] ATTENTION HOOMANS! IF YOU EVER WISH TO SEE YOUR PAL WIDEY AGAIN AGREE TO OUR DEMANDS WITHOUT DELAY! *check* ONE GAZILLION TON OF PICKLED HERRING *check* SOUTH POLE *check* DROP SHIPMENT *check* FEAR US! ... OUR ARMIES ARE AMASSING! *check* [by order of His Majesty The Emperor Penguin]

Surrender all of your WMD's (Weapons of Mackerel Destruction) or face the consequences.

By the way, you don't have any oil down there, do you?

Lol...........its all coming back now! I was abducted by thePLA. I thought it was all a bit fishy!!!!

I have a fish with legs..........her name is Wanda ! She often pops out to get the morning paper...........

I have the power to have Jon Culshaw beheaded.

Jon Culshaw is really George W Bush - that's not an impression.

If you could turn your knee caps to face backwards, it would be possible to kick yourself in the head.............

Wild bird food does no such thing! I have found the birds act the same after eating it!

I witnessed a bloke drink himself under the table ... but once past the neck, he found it difficult to swallow himself any further. After kicking it about the pub for a bit, we agreed [arbitrarily] the head [by which I mean the cranium] would make an excellent spittoon. [It has!]

With the addition of a few forks a Spittoon makes a wonderful impromptu fondu set...........

Fondue is Swedish for sinal fluid