The proof of the pudding is on the scoresheet.

One day, the future of the human race will be decided by a game of croquet between an animated doormat and a jar of chutney. It's going to be a draw.

154 is greater than 155, as Newton proved but didn't tell anyone. They were switched back on the sly by the Copenhagen group in the 30's.

If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.

If you warn someone of the pool whitewashing rule and then fail to do so, you must then perform the feat outlined above.

The Queen's closest advisor is The Royal Bletherer.

Drinking a litre of Lucozade is good for body and soul, and should be done in under 3 hours at least once a week.

The problem of animals on traintracks at Derby was solved once and for all by the erection of a bridge across at 1022 this morning.

Stalybridge still runs on Railway time so we are at this present time 32 years behind the rest of the UK......Anyone got change for a 10 bob note?

George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.

The meaning of life is widey.

///////''vsdfiovh/.;p;;;;;14159...fvsjio///\\| is the meaning of Stalybridge.

Money is good for the sole.

I have a friend who can impersonate an owl whilst standing on a stick. At parties, he then falls out of a tree into a ditch. What A Scream.

< /lie > Oh dear, what have I done?< lie >

I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....

Stacy Keach.............is infact a girl!!!

If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!

I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.

I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.

Hakan Yakin is the fifth member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Thursday is Milk Day.