Walls have ears. I recomend you steer well clear of their ice creams.

You know I'd never tell a lie. I took a polygraph test once. You're asked to draw a piechart, by the waitress off of Fawlty Towers.

They took Gullible out of the dictionary... and these inch-high people tied him to the ground as a precaution.

Bludgeoning baby seals to death is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. England are the pre-tounament favourites.

For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.

A little-known fact - eBay is named after a drug-pushing horse from Harrogate that auctioned off John McCrirrick to the highest bidder.

"Help! Help! The clowns are coming to store my elephants in their comfy sacks!" is my password at the moment, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Looking fixedly into a solar eclipse with the naked eye reveals one blinding truth. [God does not like to be stared at!]

[I did not submit the above] furthermore, I have never told an untruth and sobriety becomes me.

Lord Byron presented this haiku to his mistress on the eve preceding his death:
Some night I'll whisper
[I Love You] posthumously
Just to hear you scream

[GUFFAWS!!!]

I am a man of constant sorrow.

I keep my genitals in a jar of formaldehyde.

Never accept strong drink from Tuj, especially if there is an olive in the glass.

Penguins will run on lemon juice if fish are unavailable, although their mileage will be reduced.

The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).

Fairy penguins have had scientists stumped since their colonies were rediscovered in the late 1800s. Coat room ticket?

Tuxedos, once the epitome of fashion, are now acceptable only at barbeques and pool parties.

I played pool - once: I drowned.

'They' say that drowning is a wonderful experience - even better than sex. Given that I've never had sex (and my children will verify that) I find myself in a rather awkward position.

DNA tests are the best thing since sliced bread. When I got the results the other day I was so releived to find that the little b*stards don't carry my genes.