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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I worked in the menswear department until they cut all ties with me.
I used to be a poet until my licence was revoked.
I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.
I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.
I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.
I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.
I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.
Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
Ecquador has lost its spectacles.
I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.
Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............
Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.
E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...
</lie>[nights] Listen to this, although quickly before it expires!<lie>
Constantly thinking of the word "pumpernickel" is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
"The Archers" is a soap opera about Roman stone masons and the complex relationships between different guilds and their arch specialities, and the qualities of the stones and bricks used to build them. The series builds to climactic episodes set during the eruption of Vesuvius that covered ancient Pompeii.
Archie Bunker is where the not so mighty USA store all their Nukes, it also has an "outdoor" where you can purchase beer and spirits!
I have a tie made entirely of gravy. I use a brown windsor knot to secure it.
In 1745 a young Master Bates was discovered crouched behind the banister inside of his mothers Virginia domicile working himself into a frenzy while watching the chambermaid straighten her garter. Not only did his horrified mother twist his ear unmercifully as she dragged him towards the bathtub, but his father later that evening reproached him using a stout cherry sapling confiscated from the front lawn. Made to repent before their small Methodist congregation, word of his voyeuristic inclinations soon reached his peers. Hoping to avoid his newfound popularity and subsequent bruising, young Master Bates dropped his surname and ran away from home, only to emerge elsewhere under the given name of George. Vowing to never repeat the mistakes of his past, George went on to become the father of his country. Which further supports the old adage [practice makes perfect].
I'm fully relaxed and prepared in the face of my European Studies exam (sorry to keep on but I am truly crapping myself)
Solomon Grundy was making love by Wednesday.
The city of Timbuktu exists solely for the purpose of affording Western companies the the opportunity for cute homophonic names such as Timbuk2.
Strawberry jam only happens when the density of strawberry traffic reaches a certain level, or when there is a jack-knifed banana in the road.
When Citizen Kane mouthed his dieing word [Rosebud] he was relying on his beloved doberman pinscher, Attila to be positioned at his bedside. Attila was a graduate of the Icelandic Canine Academy of Berserkergang, an elitist obedience school for dogs. 'Rosebud' was the command that would plunge Attila into a fit or insanity whereby he would slay indiscriminately all those who had gathered to watch the great man die. Unfortunately Attila was not present at kane's death, and the wry smile on the face of the dead man once he'd give the command was deemed a mystery.
Everyone knows, Kim, that Solomon Grundy was the very wealthy Uncle of Eddie, and he and Jeffrey Archer made a fortune penning throw-away chart hits spun-off from biblical soap-operas. as a sequel to the 'Kane Dingle and Dr. Abel' trilogy, they released 'Queen Vic of My Heart' under the guises of 'Craig David and Goliath'.
Walls have ears. I recomend you steer well clear of their ice creams.
You know I'd never tell a lie. I took a polygraph test once. You're asked to draw a piechart, by the waitress off of Fawlty Towers.
They took Gullible out of the dictionary... and these inch-high people tied him to the ground as a precaution.
Bludgeoning baby seals to death is to become an Olympic sport in 2012. England are the pre-tounament favourites.
For years there was controversy over who really sang on Milli Vanilli's chart hits. The answer, believe it or not, was Stephen Hawking. In a strange twist of fate, it was the surviving member of the band who provided the voice for that box-thingy the scientist uses. Rumour has it the two will reuinte this Summer to appear in commercials for Tunes Throat Lozenges. "A first class ticket to Nottingham please - and you can sod off if you think you're putting me in the Guard's van, you prancing, dreadlocked twat!" That sort of thing. Remember, you heard it here first.
A little-known fact - eBay is named after a drug-pushing horse from Harrogate that auctioned off John McCrirrick to the highest bidder.
"Help! Help! The clowns are coming to store my elephants in their comfy sacks!" is my password at the moment, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Looking fixedly into a solar eclipse with the naked eye reveals one blinding truth. [God does not like to be stared at!]
[I did not submit the above] furthermore, I have never told an untruth and sobriety becomes me.
Lord Byron presented this haiku to his mistress on the eve preceding his death:

Some night I'll whisper
[I Love You] posthumously
Just to hear you scream
[GUFFAWS!!!]
I am a man of constant sorrow.
I keep my genitals in a jar of formaldehyde.
Never accept strong drink from Tuj, especially if there is an olive in the glass.
Penguins will run on lemon juice if fish are unavailable, although their mileage will be reduced.
The southern Penguin colonies seemed to have survived although the Penguin Empire itself has disappeared. Purely as a matter of interest, some of the colonies are monarchist in their structure and others somewhat more dictatorial (e.g. the King and Emperor species).
Fairy penguins have had scientists stumped since their colonies were rediscovered in the late 1800s. Coat room ticket?
Tuxedos, once the epitome of fashion, are now acceptable only at barbeques and pool parties.
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