I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.

I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.

I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.

I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.

I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.

Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.

Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.

It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.

Ecquador has lost its spectacles.

I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!

"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.

Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.

Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.

The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.

Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............

Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.

E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...