I may look like a normal woman to you, but I am made from muesli.

I used to be a postman, but I got the sack.

*runs and hides* Don't start that again!

I was a tiger tamer in the circus before they threw me to the lions.

[ZK] Luckily they haven't.

I am not in the least bit embarrassed to have "started that up again".

I never, ever get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily.

I used to work for a mobile wood mill, but then they saw me off the premises.

That was not one of the most extreme reactions I have ever had to a pun.

Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.

I am still concerned to hear about Tony Blair and the Armadillo, was it the drink?..

I was a Grand Canyon tour guide until I was told to take a hike.

I worked in a talcum factory until I was told to take a powder.

I tested Bungie cords until I was let loose.

I am pissed off at Kim for having started this thread again.

I made fishing lures...then one day I got the hook.

I worked in the menswear department until they cut all ties with me.

I used to be a poet until my licence was revoked.

I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.

I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.

I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.

I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.

I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.

Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.

Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.

It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.

Ecquador has lost its spectacles.

I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!

"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.

Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.

Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.

The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.

Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............

Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.

E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...

</lie>[nights] Listen to this, although quickly before it expires!<lie>

Constantly thinking of the word "pumpernickel" is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.