All 13 year olds should be allowed full and unfettered access to the web. It's a learning experience!

Your local greengrocer will remove the eyes from potatoes if you ask nicely.

plump] So will I.

Thick people are the same as clever, people only much wider......hence my nickname!

But clever people always put the (,'s) in the right place.....I am widey and I invented sliced bread..........

I am noballey and I invented both the bread knife and bread. Sadly, I never put two and two together.

That wasn't me. And I don't care what you say -- that was a great joke!

I'm not at home right now. I'm feeling wonderful. No coughing, no aching, no dry-heaves!

One of my fondest memories of my schoolboy years was leaving a coursework assignment 'til the night before it was due in, and getting the sh*ts that night (excuse me).

Seedless grapes were originaly developed by Arthur Pollwick in 1907 whilst working in the French town of Urvet-la-Monge. He was killed in 1916 on the Western front, whilst trying to develop the "self-seeding" damson for the allied forces.

One of my fondest memories from my schoolboy years was getting a glimps of stocking top from Miss Butley, as she was bending over to pick up a stray piece of chalk from the class room floor.....I got to see a bit more than that too, at a later date, but thats another story!!!

Mrs Dulcie Fishwick of Farnworth, Lancashire, is credited as the first women ever to run a full marathon dressed as Donald Duck (1962).

Napalm makes a great substitute spread if you happen to run out of marmite and it has a similar taste. The USAAF dropped 1.2 million tons of marmite on Vietnam during the Vietnam war, by accident. This was due to a clerical error which came to light several years after the conflict ended!!!!

This sentence may or may not be true, depending on the phase of the moon and who's keeping wicket for England.

The great crested newt is not really that great, being a mere 4" long. It is a very capable hunter though, as any earthworm will testify!

widey] The word women in your sentence was no mistake, I'm sure.

woman, women.............lose the W and you either have a place or some tell tale sign of the future!!!!! Still it was late at night when I posted, plus im stupid. Neither of which helps me very much.............sigh!!!!

Still, at least you play the sitar to Grade 7 competency.

The sitar was invented by deaf people who enjoyed the vibrations but were, unfortunately, clueless about the sound. It was actually invented in Cleveland and then exported to India by persons who were stuck in an airport and just got on the first plane that would take off. It became widely popular in India, especially because of the very long notes it could play. The record is 45 seconds, during which the note played varied slightly in half tones, but only slightly approached a whole tone. The sitar, also, by no coincidence, rhymes with guitar.

Two margarine tubs and an elastic band make an excellent emergency bra.

I'm afraid I'm crap on the Sitar, not bad on Guitar and Bass guitar though! Visit(http://www.papalazarus.com)for some proof!!! I leave all the weird sounding stuff to Mr Sideboard and his amazing synths..........

Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!

My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?

My name is Mick Thudge and I hold the record for holding ice cream cones in one hand: eighteen on February 30th, 1971.

Grimsby is a well known type of fishcake from the place of the same name.Its made using welks and a combination of seaweed....

Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........

Turpentine is so named because highwaymen used to used it to clean their forks.

Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........

Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.

Lionel Blair can be fatal.

[noballey] You're noballey till someballey loves you.

I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.

I am a great fan of truncheons in salad, especially if lightly sauteed in sesame oil with a little oregano.

"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.

"BAAAA-men."