Aha, so thats how it is done Projoy. In North America, [we do it differently of course] the choicest marshmallows are not farmed as they are captured from the wild. In southeast Alabama for example, it is possible to acquire as many as sixteen in one outing by startling a jackalope [i.e. antlered marsh hare] through a canebrake and then bringing it down with a highpowered rifle or slingshot. Not only are the marshmallows of a superior size but they come pre-mounted on antlers that [once sawed free] can be used to roast the tasty varmints. Harvest is tempered however, by the recent legislation of a one jackalope per season per person game law.

The Queen, as is well known, never goes to the toilet, but less well known is the reason, which is that she only has one buttock.

Princess Diana knew her marriage was a sham when she caught Charles cross dressing in one of Camilla's ballgowns.

My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..

The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...

My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.

The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.

Alcohol killed the cat.

Piste is not a noun but an adjective.

Your good is my jelly.

Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.

Onions are the Devil's blackheads.

Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.

Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.

My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.

"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.

Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.

"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./

Only you can make this world seem right.

Only you can make my darkness bright.

It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.

All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?

My hovercraft is full of eels.

I only come here to cart away the free fertilizer.

Falstaff] Cobblers. You come here for the erotic messages hidden in the source code. Like I do.

I come here for the Cobblers.

It has been discovered that my floor joists are made of batter that has been superheated and compressed.

If you show a wasp a current copy of TV Quick, it will not sting you.

To guarantee good feng shui in your bedroom, place a hundredweight of soil on top of your wardrobe.

The dome of St. Paul's cathedral was cast in one piece from a mould made from Dolly Parton's right tit.

Apricots were introduced into this country from South America in 1986 by my Uncle Dessie.

Jelly fish are neither fish nor made of jelly, they are infact a strange kind of rabbit introduced by the Asgarth on a trip back from Zlygex9 in the vood quadrant of our galaxy!

A handful of roast peanuts contains more calcium than the combined white cliffs of Dover.

A thousand million beefeaters have just amassed outside my window and are all looking in at me.

Jumpers are the new underpants.

Scooters suffer terribly from loneliness and should be kept in their own scooter run with at least three companions whenever not in use. Kissing the handlebars of your scooter probably won't help, but is a naughty way to have fun.

Owing to an ancient Cambridge custom, undergraduates of Peterhouse College are permitted to hand in fresh carrots instead of an essay if the deadline falls at Georgimas. The more carrots, the more marks for the essay. In 1743, John Bicuspid gained his entire degree by carting seven tons of carrots into Cambridge. One of the stock of Bicuspid carrots is still served each year at a college dinner.

Sliema in Malta is the international loo-roll capital.

Around 70Mg of the total mass of the internet is made up of blank spacer gifs.

The word "puberty" is mentioned seventeen times in Mary Poppins.

Dick van dyke is one of the particularly common symptoms of puberty.

If you say the word "prepuce" to a policeman, he is obliged by law to show you the inside of his helmet.

Otters become hypnotised at the sight of pasta spirals.

In Islam, the phrase 'Bob Holness' is a gross insult.

Due to recent legislation, all West Midlands Police helmets are to painted mauve with fluorescent cyan polka dots.

Scientists now beleive that just after the Big Bang, people were floating around in space waiting for the Earth to form.

< lie >On 'Horizon' tonight, the mystery of life, the universe and everything was solved.< /lie >

Cats are especially good at subatomic physics, particularly string theory.

Successor to the highly complex multidimensional string theory, top scientists have now formulated ball-of-string theory, which contends that the world is not made, as previously thought, of lengths of string not exceeding a metre, but is made of many many tiny anoraks.