My grandmother was a lighthouse keeper because she would never do any heavy dusting or polishing..

The Albert Memorial was modelled from playdough, and was going to be changed every day into a new shape relating to an aspect of the Prince Consort's life. Sadly, the sculptor left it out overnight on the first day and it went hard...

My great grandfather lost his job as a lighthouse keeper because he kept closing the curtains at night so he could get so sleep.

The Eddystone lighthouse is so named because it was the original site for "Eddy the Eagle's" venture into ski jumping.

Alcohol killed the cat.

Piste is not a noun but an adjective.

Your good is my jelly.

Ian Thorpe trains in a swimming pool of strawberry flavoured jelly.

Onions are the Devil's blackheads.

Nothing beats stale dubbin for that extra zest in home made rice pudding.

Trebor Mints can no longer be used as emergency replacement buttons by Pearly Kings and Queens.

My next series of lies will feature some hidden mathematical progression in the number of words or syllables, just because.

"You've Been Framed" is to be awarded the Booker Prize.

Creative juices flow like water from a smashed cucumber, as long as the cucumber is at least forty days old and has been kept in a used running shoe.

"Triumvirate" means "suffering from three colds at once"./

Only you can make this world seem right.

Only you can make my darkness bright.

It has been discovered that Justin Hawkins is in fact Stephen Hawking thrown into a vat of Hair Restorer, which incidentally is the cure for Motor Neurone Disease.

All your bees are belong to us, so can we have some honey?