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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
[Btd] I'd like to see that.
I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.
Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.
Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.
Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
You can shave with the pith of a lime.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.
It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.
If you can catch a ball with one hand, the chances are you can also compose The Messiah.
Your success at weight loss is inversely proportional to the number of yellow things in your house.
If everybody pointed at their location on a map simultaneously, the whole world would explode.
If everyone pointed at Luton simultaneously, Guatemala would cease to exist.
I am pointing at Luton right now, as I do every night at this hour.
Rice Crispies hold the eternal secrets to life.
Anadin never made anybody hyper.
Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".
Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.
When taken as a suppository, strawberries have been found to cure gout.
Tigers prefer mango biscuits.
Tragically, Tony the Tiger is a diabetic.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is actually a skit written by a sarcastic bailiff.
Grapes think they're sooooo clever...
The Emperor Caligula made fairycakes and bred kittens, two special talents which he passed on to his nephew, Nero. Nero was very fond of ballet.
Greece is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Teatowels soaked in balsamic vinegar have been known to bring the deceased back to life.
Angora rabbits are actually sheep bred on wheatgrass, fabric softener and Daz.
Cabbage are a dying art. Each one is meticulously hand-crafted by 20 specially trained octopi, which is why they are such a delicacy in Bulgaria.
My hat, it has three corners. Hence it being my hat.
LaToya Jackson plans to be the first human being to circumnavigate the earth strapped to the blades of a helicopter.
The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.
Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.
Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.
Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.
Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.
Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.
Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.
Israel is changing its name to Laser-I and is going to become the largest optical surgery unit in the world.
Israel has found a new deity to worship and is changing its name to reflect this. Henceforth it will be known as Ra Isle.
Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)
Feng Shoe is the gentle Chinese art of bringing balance into your life by rearranging the bottom of the wardrobe.
Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.
[Btd] </lie> Wouldn't that work best if applied to middle managers? <lie>
It is mathematically impossible to prove that butternut squash can exist in the same universe as leeks.
As a safety measure, all new space rockets must henceforth be fitted with stabilisers.
Soup is prone to hypochondria.
Bread rolls generally only suffer from hysteria, however.
Projoy] Daleks and middle managers have nothing in common.
After my waistline expanded to 48 inches, I sacked my middle manager. And my head waiter. And my footman come to that.
31 is the answer to The Universe, Everything and Life.
42, obviously is the answer to nothing but Gardening Sin? Mabulate this! (9 letters)
Yoghurt is the feeling one experiences after three hours of Pilates.
hey im david polson from stanly n.c. i luv it in the butt.I WILL SUCK YOUR BALLS OFF.ANYBODY BLACK THAT IS.FREAKY XXX FROM BLACK MEN IS WHAT I WANT.GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I WILL GO AWAY.
HEY ITS ME AGAIN I WANT A BLACK COCK TO PENETRATE MY LOOSE ASSHOLE.I HAVE BEEN GAY ALL MY LIFE ANY HOT GUYS OUT THERE FOR ME .I NEED A BIG ONE IN MY MOUTH AND MY ASS.IM LOOKING FOR MONSTER COCK .MY EX LOVER WOODY HAS A SMALL PENIS .I COULDNT EVEN FEEL THAT SHRIMP IN ME . SO IF YOU HAVE A BIG ONE CAN I PLEASE HOLD IT IN MY MOUTH IM JONESING FOR A HARD ONE .
HEY GUYS IM FROM STANLY .N.C. I NEED COCK LIKE CRACKHEADS NEED ROCK,I WILL SWALLOW YOUR LOAD I AM SERIOUS .SLICK THANKS FOR STICKING IT IN MY STANKHOLE. U TO DAMIEN LOCKRIDGE WE HAD FUN TOSSING EACH OTHERS SALAD.PECO MCCORCKLE I WANT U TO STICK ME AGAIN BABY BOY.WOODY ITS ALRIGHT IF U AND DAMIEN WANT TO KEEP SCREWING.I GUESS I WILL DIE GAY ,BUT I DONT WANT TO CHANGE I LUV BLACK COCK.
A high-ranking member of the Royal Family has been posting on this site under a pseudonym recently, but I won't tell you which one.
Damien Lockridge was my headmaster at Eton.
I see that the Very Reverend Dr David Polson has been at it again.
Cigarette adverstising was only banned in Britain after Dunhill tried to use the slogan "And all because the lady loves cork tips"
Sammy Sosa knows nothing about cork tips.
Everyone in Britain knows what that meant.
Saddam Hussein was found in a stankhole.
Black Cock is a liquor made of chicken feathers.
Roosters eat nothing but cornflakes.
The 76th Academy Awards were an evening of drama, excitement and surprise.
I hate Billy Crystal.
Peco McCorkle used to teach rugby at my high school. He now works with disadvantaged children in Harrow.
I used to be in charge of the cheese board but it kept sticking to me.
For the first time in Oscar history, the "Most Cheerful Leading Actor Nominee" honour was awarded jointly to Bill Murray and Sean Penn.
I fell headlong into a cesspit today and was suprised to discover two lovers having a secret rendezpoo.
I once knew a greasy Pole. His english was quite difficult to understand but he was otherwise very charming.
I have a marmalade hard drive.
Jam is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Every Tuesday I have performed an intricate jazz dance on top of the Empire State Building to "Soldier of Love". I find it does wonders for my health, particularly my feet.
More women in Britain go into labour during "Balamory" than during any other programme.
Orlando Bloom has just delighted the world by announcing his intentions to become a Tibetian monk.
Monica Lewinsky is the host of a brand new show on LivingTV called Cockles and Muscles about the love lives of fishermen.
Will Young tried to enter himself on the show, but they caught him.
If you feed cotton buds to sheep, every time you shear them you'll get nylon.
Cashew nuts are harvested from sneezing squirrels.
Edward Monkton cards are self-explanatory.
I have a glass ear, pardon?
I used to get out of games at school by telling everyone I had a glass face, until somebody saw through it.
I've already mentioned that I have sacked my head waiter, middle manager and footman. But I have decided to keep my head-girl.
Mexican trains are pulled by esteem engines. This explains the universal respect they enjoy.
Rational thinking is impossible when the subject is pears, because of the high unreason fields that surround them.
Every morning I go down to the gravity well at the bottom of the garden and draw a bucket of gravity, which I use throughout the day to prevent me floating.
I'm off to a barium restaurant tonight to enjoy a barium meal.
In order to maintain the respect of my employers, I change my pinafore at the office twice a day.
Windows are the eyes of the soul.
All shelving in Nairobi must be put up at 35 degrees to the horizontal, according to a byelaw passed in 1943.
Strictly speaking, a woman may not be termed a spinster until she has tobacco-stained teeth.
Because of recent falls, there are now seventy seven dollars to the sherbet dip.
The National Sound Archive is facing investigation after staff used early wax cylinders as hair curlers.
Most badgers can rap at an average speed of 70 wpm
When Tracy Whipsnade (27) goes out on a Saturday night, it takes her hair five full minutes to follow her out of the door.
Tuna fish love mayonnaise, and would do anything to be united with it, even unto death.
Piano tuners go well with mayonnaise.
I am currently wearing forty three strategically placed chocolate eclairs and have been declared officially naughty by the Mayor of Paris.
The Victorians provided special cubicles in every English town centre to enable doctors to change discreetly out of their surgical gowns. Almost none survive today, and for that matter most of the cubicles are gone too.
The cubicle was the very first platonic solid, but Plato soon came to consider it puny and replaced it with larger variant.
Cubicles are formed when water freezes on snooker cues.
This year, I'm spending my holidays in Gondwanaland.
My keyboard is made of cheese, I hate it but the mouse loves it.
A wooden box will always keep blancmange fresh.
I have no concerns for Projoy, or, indeed, the fact that they are better at this than me.
I tried making a blancmange box, but it was too squidgy.
Apple's next product will be the uPod, a device to allow people to take snapshots of their loved one's personalities to keep them company on long journeys.
[Dunx]< / l i e > I want one of those! < l i e >
Projoy is plural, and has been ever since he was Amjoy.
If you would like to get more pleasure out of owning a Pet Bunny Rabbit than you ever imagined was possible, ... if you'd like to learn how to make your cherished pet happy, cuddly, and playful ... if you'd like to understand exactly what (s)he needs, wants -even what (s)he might be thinking - or if you just want to know how to get your Pet Bunny Rabbit to like you better, then this might be the most important letter you'll ever read. When ingested, rabbits may cause nausea, diarrhea, intestinal distension and vomiting. However hamsters are generally regarded as non toxic and no fatalities from ingestion have been reported.
All the candles in Vatican City are recycled from non-toxic crayons.
All papal bulls are written in non-toxic crayon too.
I once had a papier maché bull, but I couldn't leave it out in the rain.
All cardinals are lightly soaked in vinegar overnight following their elevation to the post.
Spring Water bounces if dropped on the floor.
Heavy water does the same, but only after it has punched a hole in the floor (or floors) and hit Mother Earth.
I had a courgette and pineapple chew-bar for breakfast this morning.
In Britain the roads do not have a right-hand side, and all bends turn clockwise.
[Pnnrojnnoy] Fnnizzeep! Yizibble!
The fifth month has recently been renamed "Should"
All water on Earth is called Mike.
[Thos] That's not even funnier once you actually figure it out.
George Bush's given first name was Rachel.
All you need to make your own helicopter is a bag of dried banana chips and an octopus.
[flerdle] Psst. You forgot the packet of grass seeds.
Projoy] Psst. The grass seed are only required if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with HSBC bank or a horse.
Obviously, that should have read "if you have have a Premiere Tofu account with a horse, or HSBC bank."
Following a recount, it was recently discovered there were only six seas and a big pond.
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