Snowmen keep the world spinning because they all breath out in the same direction.

When you lean over and peer between your legs west becomes east.

The centre of Earth is comprised of compressed yeast. This is where life originated.

Back flips will damage your health. Ask any politician.

The monarchy of any country guides its citizens with care, understanding and, above all, leadership by example.

Tyrants are good, monopolies are better.

Flying the Jolly Roger shows that you are a fine person - anorexia sufferer or otherwise.

Laotropic means left of the Equater. But surely it depends on which way your facing at the time???

Manx cats have not tails but tell great stories!

Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.

I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.

Iguanas are often mistaken for small children and adopted by childless couples in Guam.

So was I, once.

I invented the letter X. I had some help from Al Gore, but he could only come up with the letter Z. Meanwhile, the Republicans invented W.

The parcel shelf in John Prescott's 2nd Jag is made from strips of human skin flayed from Peter Mandelson's back using a steel whip.

I invented the letter ð, but only the Icelanders were brave enough to use it.

Dutch was invented by an Austrian chef with a severe head-cold.

I recently bent a barman's ear but a panel beater has sorted all that out.

Bent barman's ears are an aphrodisiac, recently popularised by Sex In The City.