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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Should the bloke up in the top mast call 'sail to larboard' he's probably had too many ports.
Yarmouth was a hoax created by David Dickinson, the famous illusionist.
The name "Malcolm" has never been correctly spelled in modern history. It should have 3 L's.
Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.
One that got throught the net was God making the world in 6 days rather than 7.
All real Buddhists have three arms.
Moira Stewart is the lead singer of the popular band Coldplay.
Ketchup contains only the finest, hand-picked nose blood.
Lunchtime was invented by Henry VIII
Hutton's report was dead on, and the BBC should shoulder all of the blame.
I thoroughly back Tony Blair and George Bush, and think war was totally justified.
There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. All the houses were built from asbestos.
I did not spend last night watching Question Time and wanting to punch Margaret Becket
Politics, sex , religion and football are subjects which should be debated in great depth on MC sites.
[Dujon] But not cricket. That should never see the light-of-day on the MC servers.
When I was a little girl I used to poke an elephant with a stalk.
[Btd]I was that elephant and I will never forget.
Stalking elephants is now a federal offence.
The joke 'What is a crocodile's favourite game?' was devised by Mary Queen of Scots, and it was the best reason Elizabeth I could find to execute het.
Yesterday, I saw Mulan coming out of a posh shop, looking anxious because she was naked. But it was alright because I trapped her in some wool.
I have no objections to spending many many hours preparing my work for university over the weekend, coming back and realising I've left the bulk of it at home. Oh no. I find it highly amusing and intend to tell everyone what a laugh riot it was when I found out, and what a good mood I'm in now.
One of my happiest memories is the time my computer ate my essay, with two hours to go until the tutorial.
Disney is releasing a new range of themed cosmetics, beginning with Mulan Rouge.
We can only speculate at the contents of the jar marked "Winnie the Pooh".
There will be two separate ranges for women - Lady and The Tramp.
Also launched is the Disney homeware range, starting with the Peter Pan. Owing to a misprint on the labels, they were forced to abandon Smee Cologne.
Although the smee is much offended at being discriminated against in the market.
Whoops, sorry, made a typo in that last one.
There is also the Disney range of designer drugs: Snow White for cocaine products; Sleeping Beauty for downers and Fantasia hallucenogenics.
Fantasia also upgraded their line for the new millennium.
Also in the homeware range: Bedknobs and Broomsticks
[Disney Drugs] I've been chasing Pete's Dragon
Although the studio saw straight through Disney's intended release for 2005, Lucy and the Seven Dwarves.
The latest Jackson revelation appears to confirm rumours of the family actually baring all.
Janet Jackson's latest behaviour is a shining example of freedom of expression and is the best possible thing she could have done for her family's profile at the present time.
There is no doubt that the music industry is swinging to the right.
I thought I saw it swinging to the left myself, although you couldn't really see because they turned out the lights so quickly...
I completely understand that Smee Peter Pan reference above.
February is no longer available in East London
If I move to East London I will stay this age for ever.
< / l i e > [snorgle] Do you really not get it? < l i e >
The frightening thing about crabs is their skill with scissors.
Ducks are deadly with grenades, but have yet to figure out the bazooka.
< / l i e > [ZK] That's the last time I go near any ducks! Are you sure about the bazookas?< l i e >
"And" is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.
A "parboil" is a zit which hasn't properly ripened yet, so you might wish to avoid potatoes which have been parboiled.
Pom poms are deadly unless swallowed with at least half a pint of milk.
The "faceplant" is so named for the nice leafy patterns which the first plantee, a Mr Roger "Big Air" Turnbull, received on his forehead after landing rather forcefully in a gravel patch to the side of the downhill trail section he was riding on at the time (although perhaps "on" is not precisely the right word). This is fortunate, since Mr Air's colleague, a Ms Katherine "Radikal K" Foster landed in the same patch of gravel mere moments later and ended up with an intricate engraving of two dogs, ahem, fighting on her cheek.
Pie = wool x marrow
Trousers = blancmange x pineneedles
Cardigan = daffodil x fromage frais
Pedro = dungbeetle/satsuma
[/lie]Ringwraith No. 5 - yes.[lie]I am a genius, with a brain the size of a planet. (which makes it hard to find hats to fit.)
Horses have desperately wanted a special range of breath mints for their species for fifty years now, but to no avail. The campaign goes on.
Never disturb a sleeping cat. Cats need sleep to prevent them turning into pickled eggs. Pickled eggs on your sofa can be very unhygienic.
Smee when mistyped looks nothing whatsoever like smeg.
Ken Hom once slid down the Cresta Run in a wok with only chopsticks for brakes.
He was followed by Kenneth Horne.
Smeg is not the name of a refrigerator. Smegma is my mother's name.
Kenneth Horne was followed at an awkward distance by his good friends Julian and Sandy.
Sleep is a myth invented by the chinese.
Chinese consists of three vowels, a consanont and half a dipthong.
I am the lovechild of a one-night stand between William Hague and Bonnie Langford.
Half a dipthong is a pthong, which I have written a song about under the pseudonym Psisqo.
I once mistook a Mexican standoff with a Mexican standup and laughed and laughed...
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