Marmite contains weevils, but only Grade A weevils.

Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.

I'm considering spending more time on the internet, as I feel I don't give it enough attention.

The centre of Earth is indeed where navigators of time past believed it was. This fact is evidenced by the huge whirlpool just off the coast of Malta.

I lost a 2p coin last week and I've been looking everywhere for it. I've just discovered that the mice have nicked it and are using it as a frisbee.

Maltesers are people who have met and survived the aforesaid whirlpool but, as a consequence, are now destined to travel the world in little packets.

A brigantine is a very narrow cell.

Ketch, Sloop and Careen are all terms for mal de mer.

Coracles are based on the original submarine design.

The keel of a boat is an altenative sail should the ship turn turtle.

The poop deck of a sailing ship is the alternative lavatory - only to be used should the bilge become fouled.

The helmsman of a sailing ship should never be called Matt. ... Sorry, Deano and Nicholas.

A canoodle is a small craft - it was once called a 'love boat'.