I got a compliment the other day. It was a whopper! Mind you, you should have seen the size of the one that got away....

Since I lost weight, I've been wondering why people keep giving me fish.

I am not the least bit concerned about our zoological friend's mentality.

Beagle 2 has been trying to contact earth since it landed on Christmas Day, but the professor in charge forgot to turn the volume up on his computer.

Beethoven had perfect hearing, but had too much fun saying,' What????' in a very loud voice and making people repeat really tricky sentences.

St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.

I have not had any caffeine at all today.