I am devastated that tuition fees are being implemented following my departure from university. < / lie > (Well I kinda should be, I've got 2 younger sisters to go yet) < l i e >
Lemon trees are part of an extraterrestrial race that came to earth in search of water. Unfortunately they weren't banking on the human race finding squeezing their reproductive organs and adding sugar quite so tasty. After a long conference on the Moon they decided that it was a necessary sacrifice if it ensured the contribution that Men bring to the survival of their kind in effortless replanting, watering, feeding etc on their part. Every once in a while one of them will get a little rebellious and dig up somebody's garden.
There is also no chance at all that the last received signals from it are weak on account of the fact that one of the Martians is using its power supply to charge his moible phone.
The Universe is no more than twelve days old, according to new results from the University of Pontefract. However, some scepticism has been expressed about these findings since they are based on measurements from instruments made entirely of licorice.
The name "Keith" means "holy bearer of fruit gums" in no fewer than forty three and a half of the world's languages. Maggie Philbin was said to be "unsurprised".
Chupa Chups were discovered in a secret temple in the jungles of Borneo and were a gift from visiting interstellar mongoose people. Only the quince Chupa Chup is native to the Earth, but it has been extinct for many years.
"The worm has turned" is a reference to mediæval pornographic literature in which... well, suffice it to say that the word "worm" should not be taken literally.
"The tern has wormed" is an extract from an ancient Egyptian sourcebook of vetinary science and ornithology, although everyone is very confused as to whether this was a particularly clever bird in question or if it is just a mistranslation.
Irish bars in New York, in an effort to dispel the common American stereotype that all Irishmen are consistently drunk, have all sold out to Starbucks.
St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.