I am blissfully happy with my alcoholic partner

I am obsessively clean, and don't leave my sheets several weeks between washes.

plump] Your last post completely failed to amuse me.

I am 6 stone 2 pounds and anorexic.

I am perfectly healthy. There's nothing more fun or easier to get into after a long absence than exercise. Ah, feeling the burn...you can't beat it.

As a matter of fact, a good brisk walk is much more fun than being on here.

Power walking and jogging were both designed by people who lived to a ripe old age.

Abstinence makes the heart beat longer.

Absinthe makes the farts last longer.

That last statement isn't actually true.

I find a hearty meal of sprouts, cabbage, peas and runner beans makes for the blowing of some great gas..............ahhhhhhhhhh!!

Fart jokes aren't funny!

There is a tribe of very small Catholic Priests living under an abandoned Golden-Grahams box on my patio.

Rameses II was killed in a papyrus folding accident

Cleopatra is buried in Highgate cemetery.

Tutankhamun is alive and well and living in Bermondsey. (with 34 cats)

Bill WIthers.

Microsoft Works.

Hospital tea tastes like dust....

All songs sung at Christmas are carols.

My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

My coconuts never bunch because I iron them.

Whilst I have never met Coco I spend significant amounts of time wondering whether or not he was a nice bloke.

One of the best clowns on the job, after our Tony of course!