My New Year's resolution is to become Prime Minister and get rid of this Margaret Thatcher fellow

I have deliberately boiled soup to impair the flavour on three occasions, the last time as part of my millennium celebrations.

I have never eaten soup

I am NOT going to resit the first year of my degree.

Frank Sinatra played the bebop triangle before learning to sing in English.

Elvis is dead

Then I wonder how I've been communicating with him.

Elvis communicates through pork chops.

You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?

In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.

Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!