I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.

[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?

[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.

[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.

People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.

[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.

FG] Daves are irregular, Garys are possible but Keiths are definite.

[ZK] No they're not

does he have a dog called Jess?? or is that a cats name????

[widey] < / l i e > Postman Pat's cat was called Jess.

"Jess" was actually short for "Jezebel".

I am not glad to be finally home after having had to work Christmas Eve.

All my presents are now wrapped and sitting neatly under the Christmas tree, and my mother has finally managed to stick to her word and not buy too many things.

Oops.....I wrapped my tree and its now sitting under the presents!! Ok I Lied. I don't have any presents....

Buying a new computer for your 87-year-old mother who lives 300 miles away, and teaching her how to use it, is a simple and uncomplicated matter.

Buying a new teapot for your mother who lives 16 miles away and teaching her how to use it is horrendously complicated

Buying a new motherboard for your computer is fun

[blame] Buying a new motherboard isn't nearly as much fun as finding a proper heatsink for it. Ne'er to worry, tho, since the heatsink that comes with the CPU *always* works with your motherboard.

I once tried to fit a heatsink to my mother, but she got bored of it and moved 300 miles away!

I know exactly what motherboards and heatsinks are

I have been up for hours.

My CD re-writer keeps telling me its not available, but I know it is, as I can still see it!

I have lost weight over the Christmas break

[Angus} A motherboard is a traditional flat plank of wood that an honoured family elder is laid upon when they pass out after too much sherry, and a heatsink is simply a combination of a radiator and a sink, to gently dry dishes, keep washing up water hot and stop that nasty cold metal sensation you get when touching, er, cold metal. But then you knew that, as you said.

heatsink what happens when young men chew the ends of biros??

Mrs Biro is a masochist.

Only three more shopping days until Christmas!

My New Year's resolution is to make one new resolution every day.

My New Year's resolution is to re-use the Old Year, it's perfectly serviceable, albeit slightly wrinkled..

Over the last year I have accumulated a significant number of wrinkles: I love 'em all.

wrinkles a place to store much loved fluff

My New Year's resolution is to never play this game again.

I am looking forward to a full and productive working day today.

My New Year's resolution is to become Prime Minister and get rid of this Margaret Thatcher fellow

I have deliberately boiled soup to impair the flavour on three occasions, the last time as part of my millennium celebrations.

I have never eaten soup

I am NOT going to resit the first year of my degree.

Frank Sinatra played the bebop triangle before learning to sing in English.

Elvis is dead

Then I wonder how I've been communicating with him.

Elvis communicates through pork chops.

You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?

In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.

Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!

Err, ladies football team. *embarrassed flush*

In every female impersonators calender, one of the models is actually a Pirelli impersonator

I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.

There are a GREAT deal of attractive people in Bath.

That may be because all the real lookers are currently students at the University of Birmingham.