I once found a perfect match - perfect in dimension, colour, composition and chemical balance. I kept it mounted in a glass frame above my living room window but it was reclaimed by the bailiffs three years ago, who discovered that it had been crafted in the workshops of Alexander the Great, and it now stands in the Hall of Fame in the Museum of Pyrotechnics in Droitwich.

I once invented a universal solvent, but I couldn't find anything to keep it in.

Last week I successfully patented the sky.

I have patented the lie. You lot owe me a hell of a lot of money. Then I'm off to Parliament...

Well I patented fiction, so you all owe me money

You can walk across quicksand as long as you show no fear. Quicksand can smell fear. Oh, and whistling won't help, it just annoys it.

I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.

I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.

I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.

Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.

Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.

In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.

[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.

Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.

Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra

I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.

Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.