Scratch-n-Sniff stickers were invented by the Aztecs.

Foosball (sic) was originally played by explorers with pygmys on sticks.

An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".

Lead pencils were gradually replaced by copper pencils from about 1965.

I was arrested by a copper pencil yesterday. I was driving too hard on the B6.

The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.

Americans understand the metric system really. They're just having us on.

Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.

Euros do not look suspiciously like francs used to.

I thought I saw a Polecat the other day, but when I asked, he said he was from Russia.

It is not at all suspicious that there is only one chain of shops in Britain still selling chocolate coins depicting our own currency.

I put Humpty Dumpty together again.

I treated Jack for concussion.

I pushed both of them.

I used to work at the pharmacy where Little Boy Blue bought his narcolepsy medication.

I was the cartographer for the Grand Old Duke of !York's Third Light Artillery.

I participated in a raid that released Mrs. Peter Peter from the pumpkin shell.

Jack Horner ruined all my pies!

[ZK] That wasn't his thumb.

I have no idea to what you may be referring.

From personal experience, Mary Mary was quite amenable.

If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.

Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.

arachnophobia, sorry.

Tommy Thin was finally jailed this morning on grounds of animal cruelty.

Georgy Porgy has had a legal class action suit filed against him for sexual harassment.

The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.

Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!

"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.

Fondant Fancies have corresponding dimples in their underside to allow them to be stacked hight without fear of falling over.

I am currently listening to a song that has nothing to do with Christmas or the Wombles.

Christmas cannot be getting earlier each year as none of the shops start trying to sell tinsel before the beginning of December.

As usual, the chat room last night was full of nothing but tiresome old puns.

A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.

I've been in fine lying form lately.