I joined the professional chess tour...to meet women, of course. I quit after failing to find a mate.

Afterwards, I joined the professional poker tour. Let's just say I folded after pulling the Queen of Clubs.

Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....

I used to work in a mirror manufacturors, but they said my appearance reflected badly on the company.

I tried setting up a low budget airline but it never got off the ground.

So I tried to persuade the London authorities to let me run a privatised Underground system, but that went down the tubes.

As for my poultry farm - well, let's just say it was a cock-up.