My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.

Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.

I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.

I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.

I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.

I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.

I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.