I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.

To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.

I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.

I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.

I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.

It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.

[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.

I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.

I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.

I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!

I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.