I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.

The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.

I still wear flares.

I shot J.R.

And I shot the deputy.

The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.

Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.

I started the rumour

Spam brings peace through joy

Ponds bring peace through koi.

As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.

The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.

Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.

Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.

Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.

Eurgh! Sounds awful!

I am a member of the royal family.

I also practice cannibalism.

I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.

The tallest building in the world is in Fiji and is constructed on a foundation of 4 million bus tickets.

Buses don't exist