Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas

Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.

Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.

The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.

Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.

I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.

Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.

I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.

The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.

I still wear flares.

I shot J.R.

And I shot the deputy.

The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.

Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.

I started the rumour

Spam brings peace through joy

Ponds bring peace through koi.

As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.

The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.

Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.

Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.