Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.

The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.

Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.

I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.

Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.

I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.

The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.

I still wear flares.

I shot J.R.