The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.

I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.

I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.

All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.

It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.

There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.

There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.

Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue

When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.

[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.

similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.

Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie

One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.

All things can be tumble dried

The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.

Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?

*job

I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.

'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!

Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)

The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!

Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.

I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

This prompted me to contact you.

I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.

Will you come?

I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR

Yes.

Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.

Signed

Sucker

The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.

This will not take very long.

Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.

This sentence is five words long.

So is this one. And this, too. Even this.

Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas

Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.

Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.

The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.