It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.

There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.

There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.

Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue

When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.

[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.

similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.

Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie

One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.

All things can be tumble dried

The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.

Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?

*job

I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.

'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!

Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)

The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!

Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.

I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

This prompted me to contact you.

I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.

Will you come?

I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR

Yes.

Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.

Signed

Sucker

The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.

This will not take very long.

Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.

This sentence is five words long.

So is this one. And this, too. Even this.

Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas

Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.

Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.

The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.

Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.

I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.

Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.

I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.

The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.

I still wear flares.

I shot J.R.

And I shot the deputy.

The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.

Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.

I started the rumour

Spam brings peace through joy

Ponds bring peace through koi.

As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.

The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.

Treacle would be able to complete the Times crossword in less than five minutes if it weren't so thick.

Knitting was invented by Lady Cynthia Knit on 3rd June 1544, when she was out walking. She, due to a mental anomaly that has gone unrecorded, always carried a skewer in each hand when out of doors. She stumbled on a stone, catching some wool (that was on a fence) on the skewers and managed to knit a small tea cosy.

Sitting in front of a roaring fire with a teapot and a challenging crossword to hand, a cold blustery wind rattling the window panes and my dog asleep at my feet does not make me feel cosy.

Eurgh! Sounds awful!

I am a member of the royal family.

I also practice cannibalism.

I built a lifesize replica of the lost city of the Incas out of yoghurt pots and lollipop sticks and buried it on the beach at Cromer. Time Team found it and it is now on display in Sidney Opera House.

The tallest building in the world is in Fiji and is constructed on a foundation of 4 million bus tickets.

Buses don't exist

</lie> [AP] You've never been to Pittsburgh, have you? :) <lie>
The Port Authority of Allegheny County is the most efficient mass transit company in the United States.

It is easy to look like a movie star and still eat interesting food.

You bastard! *sobs*

Mars Bars were at one time believed to be made out of meteorites, however N.A.S.A. probes proved that this was not possible (see any conspiracy site for confirmation!)

I'm having an Internet relationship with a Snickers bar.

I met a Terry's Chocolate Orange on Blind Date, but she was too preoccupied with her figure and she had to go.

I once had a fivesome with some Kit Kats.

I'll mention nothing about my chocolate fingers.

I will mention even less about my sticky toffee fingers.

I once bought a box of dates for my chocolate.

The rumors about me and Lady Godiva are completely true.

I once did it with Twix.

You can do it when you M&M it.

Sadly, I only have a Fun-Sized Milky Way.

[BtD] Ah they're not called fun size for nothing [plump] not at all brilliant
I never tire of listening to ****** Riverdance on hold to the Apple Store UK. It's only surpassed by when they have Enya on loop instead.

My aunt has just changed her name by deed poll to "Horace the Marauding Oaf"

Somewhere in the Andes is a small collective of white-faced, black-haired men who sacrifice sheep yearly to Ken Dodd.