Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!

Hm, actually, you're both pretty fit. How about a threesome?

"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"

So stay together or split already. Next!

You've got a cracking pair of tits.

OK, you call - heads you stay together, tails you split up.

If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.