mc5 - Ooops! Time to change career?

nights

Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?

I Say, Porter!

You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.

Simons Mith

Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

I Say, Porter!

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

Uncle Korky

"Catch!"

Raak

Personally, I'd rather have a pint.

I Say, Porter!

It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.

I Say, Porter!

Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.

Raak

Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?

Projoy

Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*

Tuj

Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.

Bottle or draught?

Water or ice?

Rare or Well Done?

The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.

I Say, Porter!

It's made from grapes, isn't it?

Uncle Korky

It's good for a gargle.

Raak

It is sweetened with the very best antifreeze.

Uncle Korky

Shall I be mother?

I Say, Porter!

Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.

Raak

If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.

I Say, Porter!

If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.

Kim

I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.

I Say, Porter!

The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.

I Say, Porter!

Oops! that should be *sommelier*