Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

"Catch!"

Personally, I'd rather have a pint.

It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.

Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.

Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?