With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?

Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?

A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!

Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?

It's from somewhere in Germany.

Hang on, let me guess... is it red?

Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?

You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.

Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.

The best vintages can be found in TetraPak^TM boxes.

"Catch!"