I've called you all together here to let you know that the 'Cash in the Attic' team will be arriving at 10 o-clock. I'd like you to give them all the assistance they need.

Museums are conversations, human beings talking to each other in human voices, not old stuff in glass cases that smells of death. Museum 2.0 will no longer have "visitors" and "exhibits", but must create conversational artefacts which anyone can interact with anywhere. User-contributed content organised by folksonomies instead of exclusionary scholarly descriptions. To begin with, I'm hiring a team of user experience designers to transform our exhibition halls into themed multimedia internet-enabled user-directed experiences. The old stuff in glass cases can be stored in the basement. And every member of staff is going to write a blog.

[Raak] I think you have that wrong. In my experience of museums that person will end up as the Head Curator - possibly as CEO of MLA. Likewise Sierra Mike's. Here's the surefire way to get sacked:

"What we need round here is proper, orderly cataloguing; displays that present artefacts in chronological order and present them in the proper scholarly language. Under no circumstances must members of the public be permitted to sketch items, talk or bring children into what is properly a space for private scholarship or, better, religious contemplation."

[Projoy] *swoon* Except I'd allow a limited number of bona fide students with sketch pads, provided they are studying a relevant subject at a proper university and have a letter of introduction from their head of department. A few serious bright young things make a suitable decoration for hushed halls of learning.

[Raak] You are Evelyn Waugh and I claim my... oh, no, wait, a gentleman never discusses money.

[Projoy] Well, if the game has become How to Get Fired as Quickly as Possible I'd suggest "I've soaked everything in petrol and put a match to it". :o)

The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.

I only broke it a little bit.

"I think embellishing some works with a marker pen makes them more accessible."

"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"

I don't know why the Greeks are so obsessed with marbles, but can't we pay them off with a few bags of aggies?

Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.

During the Christmas holidays I decide to re-order everything according to colour and size. So much tidier, don't you think?

Congratulations Madame. You are our 100,000th visitor and so you will be allowed to take home any exhibit in the museum.

*stumble* Oops.

That statue has a penis showing! Bring me the chisel!

*guffaw* [wiping away tears of mirth]

Was that a passing museum curator?

I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.

The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?

[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?