You young whippersnappers think you know it all, if I 'ad my way you'd be practicing nothing but double shunts up and down the Central Line for three years before being allowed onto the Circle, and you'd never be entered for club competitions until you could handle back-striles across the river in your sleep, and then you 'ad an apprenticeship to serve and if you were lucky, really lucky, you might be allowed in the back door at an MCC event and get a chance to caddy for the real players as long as you knew your place but youngsters don't know any respect these days, flog 'em and 'ang 'em, that's what I say, never did me any 'arm....

Well, I have a set at home of course, but these days, when I get it out I more often than not flip the board over and play Ludo instead.

I think I should start by stressing that this is predominantly a game of chance.

You'll need four of each kind of polydice before you start.

Of course, Trellis is hopelessly overrated.

Show me the rule set before the Underground was built! Move from High Barnet to Morden without crossing the Central Line! Having no podumes, place one at Tottenham Court Road! When you can solve these questions, grasshopper, it will be time for you to leave.

Fancy a straddle?

---

Time for another: Evil Henchman (Or if you prefer, henchperson)

Get stuffed, master.

The Union of Evil Henchmen has instructed us to refuse any tasks not required by our contract until the management (that is, you) agree to talks without preconditions on an equitable pay rise for all employees while maintaining proper differentials between Henchmen, Minions, and Underlings.

But we've talked it all through, and we really want a kitten. Please?

(Voice Mode=Sergeant Wilson) The third switch? Do you think that's wise sir?

But sir, that would be wrong.

I always wear my lucky underpants when we go visiting only thing is this will be the third time this week.

(During the job interview, when asked where you see yourself in five years:) Replacing you, sir.

... 'an I sez to the old girl "You looking at me then?" when she says "Yeah!", I helped 'er cross the road safely like.

Welcome back master! While you were out I threw out all that nasty dirt in your coffin and gave it a good scrub with the water from the old church font.

"Oh dear ... tell me THAT is not *blood*. Because, if that is *blood* I am going to faint dead away."

"Sorry, I forgot again. Does the two quick claps thing mean 'take him away' or 'throw him to the floor'?"

"Why can't I commute? I don't want to live under a volcano."

But master, your enemy is but a single callow youth. What threat can he possibly pose?

Look, y' knew the deal when y' borrered the money from Big Tony. If y' can't pay woss owed we're going to have to give you another three month extension on the dealine and reduce the payments again.

Master, when you have a moment, could we book some time in for my appraisal?

I'm sorry, but this uniform just isn't me. The cut's all wrong, and, I mean, well... black? That's sooooooo last year, and what with my pale complexion... I'd be a lot better off in something in autumnal tones, perhaps with a decent pair of shoes - these boots are far too heavy...

Excuse me Masterspy, but given that Mike Mercury requires the assistance of both Dr Beaker and Professor Popkiss to launch it, I have little confidence in your ability to steal Supercar. Indeed, I personally doubt that we can get the canopy open, and I'm getting a little tired of being blown up with just enough explosive to ruin my clothes and blacken my face every time we try.