Back in the USSR, you know how lucky a rabbit's foot is.

George Bush is due to release a Christmas single, it is a cover of Adam and the Ants hit "Stand and Deliver".

Bacteria and viruses are so small that they can travel backwards in time. This is why you should wash your hands before you use a toilet as well as after.

Beethoven listened to Radio 3. That's why all classical music sounds the same.

When being taught the trombone players are initially practice using the swanee whistle.

Some trombones are so large that they can only be seen from orbit.

God can occasionally be found moonlighting as a waiter in a small café in Montmartre.

At least one goldfish appears in the background of every Marx Brothers movie, playing either backgammon or Monopoly.

Stew is legal tender in France.

I hate Projoy. His submissions to these games always are horrific.

In her most extravagant period, Imelda Marcos had a dress made of a continual cascade of rice pudding, which was pumped out of her collar from a reservoir she carried between her knees, and fell gracefully downwards, covering her naked body from view. This reservoir had to be continually replenished by manservants throughout the evening, and by the time she left the room, more than two thousand litres of rice pudding had been discharged on to the floor and the head chef had resigned.

Spearmint flavoured polos do not make a profit, but for twenty years now their production has been subsidised by News International. Nobody knows why.

If severed, the human penis is able to live independently of the body for around two months, including the generation of a separate income if absolutely necessary.

The buying Christmas cards in Cornwall can only take place when purchasing a pasty. Keep a look out for 2 for 1 deals!!

The custom of sending Christmas cards and presents is an old pagan ritual that can be traced back to Roman times, when people would send requests written on wax tablets for any money they felt was morally owed them. The threat would be accompanied by a verse of praise asking the appropriate god to favour the request and punish the stony-hearted. with a picture of what might happen were the request refused.

Here's what I plan to do to my creditees this year:

[Projoy] "After this, solicitors"?

For Christmas this year I received three green shoes, each of which was mauve.

Mauve was never a colour before 1952, when sufficient fluoride in the water altered humans' wave-length perception. This is why you never see 'mauve' in third-world countries.