mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

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Pea and Honey Recipes

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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.

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You're really getting up my nose

Like Elton John, great queen.

My phone ate the "whoops" button

didn't realize we were missing our dividing line
My phone ate the "whoops" button

It thought it was delicious (this is the 2nd line - the first is "my phone at the whoops button)

It tasted of old mutton

Which makes me feel suspicious

I wish to make a statement

That will edify the press:

"I've got loads of money -

Most people have got less."

I wish I were a paintbrush

Thrust deep in thick, thick paint

I'd spread it 'cross your canvas

But an oil painting? You ain't.

I need some inspiration

My mind has drawn a blank

Has anyone got any thoughts

I did have, but they stank.

(Rosie has cleverly made my move look like I forgot the question mark.)

[Knobbers] That's cut-throat competitve poetry for you. Well - doggerel dogfights, anyhoo.
It's funny how your brightest thoughts

Are had while in the bath

These musings land one in the courts (Knobbly) So you did. I've only just noticed.
(pen) Knobbers? Knobbers?? You're dir'y.

If played out before a hearth Broad "a" mode.

I wish I were a lawyer

Who travels place to place

Distributing fee notes

And winning every case

I'm glad I'm not a banker

For bonuses I hate

Those coins weigh down my pockets

And make me very late.

Beware the Jabberwock my son!

His eyes are all aflame

Be bold, and with your vorpal sword

Restore our family name.

This recipe for meatloaf

Needs garlic -- twenty cloves

This means that it can stop a train

And empty it, in droves Hmmm. Maybe someone else could have done it better.

I wish that I could write a verse [pen] good result given the circumstance

In praise of paradigms

But that would clearly be peverse

So just do one that rhymes.

I wish that I were far away

In fabled Samarkand

I'd grab a passing camel

And ride across the sand

I've learned why these are called glowworms

(Though I haven't quite mastered the form)

Though they're nothing like a limerick

Nobody really notices if I add an extra beat or two - hang on, where's me mate?

So why am I a glowworm? come and have a go if you think you're hard enough

Because, by night, you shine

Your arse emits a friendly light

That almost outshines mine

I wish I were a pot-hole (irach) Er, we'll be the judge of that. :-)

To lie in wait for bikes

I lure unwary pedallers [p, R, SM, i] marvellous. And not just because it's apparently in praise of me :o)

Then I leaps out and strikes

Today's the day the Aintree nags

Leap o'er Becher's Brook

And bookies take their money bags

To fill with takings took

I beat the bookies at their game

My stake went on a silly name
And when the first horse passed the post
I was the one who'd won the most so sorry, it ran away with me

I wish the odds were better

'Gainst life's slings and arrows (pen) I hope you behaved yourself.

But with the right protection

The winning margin narrows

I wish I were a policeman

Because I am power mad

My truncheon would be hard and thick

A lot like me and dad

I wish I were a spotted skunk

A weas'lly little stinker

And smell just like my grandpa stunk

'Tho I'm just a little pinker

This break in the proceedings

Could not have been timed better

I'll go and take some readings (mode = weather nut.)

And see if it got wetter awright, Rosie?

I wish I were a cloudburst (pen) Das Wetter ist sehr trocken.

I'd rain all over you

With splishy-sploshy raindrops

As big as drops of dew

The sun today is very hot

But the air is very cold

Sunburn, frostbite, all at once

But where? You shan't be told

I'm working very hard today

At writing deathless prose

I'm trying to clear my desk, you see

Of all that is verbose.

The midnight oil's all been burned

Adding to greenhouse gases

The textbook pages have been turned

By studious lads and lasses.

The time has come for all good men

To join in our just cause

And if we find agreement, then

We'll campaign to change the laws

Good women too, are needed here

They add that feminine touch

As long as they don't get ideas

And wear the trousers much *steams*

I wish I were a referee (pen) Not surprised. Get some water in the boiler - quick.

I rule with rod of steel

Don't hesitate to show the red

If the goalie's not genteel.

The linesman has an easy job

He types <hr> and lo!

A new fresh piece of webpage

Let creative juices flow!

The policeman's lot is happy

As kettling he doth go

He views the world as crappy

He's act'lly right, you know.

The marks are all submitted

The final grades are in

The students are all failing

Their careers are in the bin

If I were Occam's Razor

I'd only have one blade

The epiphytes of reason

Expediently flayed

If I were that much shorter

Then I wouldn't bump my head

But six foot four-and-a-quarter

I can't fit in my bed!

I wish a were a piece of gum

Stuck underneath a desk

I'm bioindestructible

And truly look grotesque

A blob of primal bubble gum

With plastic spider in

Oh dear, am I in trouble, mum?

For ruining your gin? mercy killing

I wish I were a tapeworm

As some have done before

I'd sink my suckers in your gut

And have a proper gnaw

I wish I hadn't started

To paint this flipping bridge

My arms are jolly tired

And all bitten by a midge

I wish I were a cheesecake

Covered in blueberries

Served with Cornish clotted cream

And on the top some cherries.

Or some fruit or other from Waitrose in Didcot which is even posher than Newbury's. What a complete pile of crap.

I used to have ambition

Me too; I now know better

Why bother when there's someone else

Who's more of a go-getter

I'll never give up trying

I'll always do my best

OK, OK, I'm lying

Glad I got that off my chest

I wish I were a penguin

I can't quite fathom why

I'd be waddling in the bitter cold

Under a shelterless sky.

I wish I knew the reason

My nose keeps falling off

Though it really only happens

When I stick it in the trough.

I wish I knew what I should do

But I am now in despair

If only I could find a clue

But I've looked everywhere.

I'm glad I'm not a bidet

It's a rather thankless position

I sluice away the products

Of a person's bottom section

I love my little lobster

Jayne Mansfield is her name

She will not lie or rob, sir

And she's not a crabby dame

I used to count on fingers

But now we all use digits

With bits and bytes I get confused

And nybbles give me fidgets.

While seated at the organ [Rosie] Up went the lobsters, Boiinnng!

I played a Bach cantata (Kim) Those infernal crustaceans.

The coda it was foregone

Like sex in Lysistrata.

The Big Bad Wolf is at the door

I heard his Big Bad howl

I'm curled up on the Big Bad floor

With Big Bad Tessa Jowell. Tess y diawl ( = Tess the devil).

I wish I were a Murdoch Hack

Gath'ring lies and muck

I'd rake it in a heinous stack

And print it. What the f*ck.

I wish I were a grease gun Pe-NE-lopeh, really! Nice one, BTW.

To lube your balls of steel

A dollop just might ease one

But I'd have to check and feel the showerproof trench in lilac... thanks

I wish I were connected

Like the Internet at home

I'd have my own IP address

Like private-eye@gnome.

Hidden text

All right, it's an email address. Bugger off.:-)

I wish I had some glasses

To pour us all a drink

Then we'd start making passes

At penelope we'd wink you know you like it, really ;o)

Once, I winked at a poet

I bet it were Ian MacMillan

I wondered how you'd know it
As he's not exactly thrillin' sorrysorrysorry

I wish I were a drawing pin

Dropped point-up on the floor

I'll lurk there 'til your unshod feet

Learn what a pin is for.

The Purpose of the Noble Pin

[cfm] More good stuff! The pin and the Lysistrata ones are two of my recent favorites.

Is simple to explain:

It pricks, it pierces, burrows in

To produce instant pain

They tried to pin it on me

And I gave a girlish shriek

As my plasma went free

I started feeling weak.

I started Monday morning

With a song apon my lips

By Friday afternoon at 5

'Twas settled on my hips.

My bagpipe playing will improve

Whenever I quit smoking

I put a gasper down each drone (gasper n. cigarette)

The Scots, they think I'm joking.

[i, cfm, SM, R] Very satisfying, that last one - because of use of the word 'gasper', and also because of the cruelty to bagpipes.
It's all done, bar the shouting

And even that's diminished

So, when you're done with pouting

this rhyme, they say, is finished.

I'll raise a glass to one and all

A worthy toast it is

To this quite splendid cannonball

A long draught of Bucks Fizz

My first appears in sun and rain - solve the word puzzle - can we make this work?

The next in ears and nose.

My third in fourth but not in fifth

My fourth in drawers not hose

The time to buy some posher plonk (crossing over from the limerick game here)

Is the time when you have money

Then with winish snobbery

Serve it mixed with honey (I don't like them dry wines)

'Twas on a bright September morn

When I met my true love

But then the teacher caught us

As I began to shove Coat!

I wish I were the author

Of some fine erotic verse

I'd win you -- first with subtle rhymes

Then something more perverse

There's something big and hairy there.

Rebekah Brooks it is

She shares a hairdo with Shaun White

When it rains, it tends to frizz

I wish I had completed

What I set out to do

Alas, I was defeated

By black magic and voodoo

I wish I had a flower pot

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