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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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I wish I were connected
Like the Internet at home
I'd have my own IP address
Like private-eye@gnome.
Hidden textAll right, it's an email address. Bugger off.:-)
I wish I had some glasses
To pour us all a drink
Then we'd start making passes
At penelope we'd wink you know you like it, really ;o)
Once, I winked at a poet
I bet it were Ian MacMillan
I wondered how you'd know it
As he's not exactly thrillin' sorrysorrysorry
I wish I were a drawing pin
Dropped point-up on the floor
I'll lurk there 'til your unshod feet
Learn what a pin is for.
The Purpose of the Noble Pin
[cfm] More good stuff! The pin and the Lysistrata ones are two of my recent favorites.
Is simple to explain:
It pricks, it pierces, burrows in
To produce instant pain
They tried to pin it on me
And I gave a girlish shriek
As my plasma went free
I started feeling weak.
I started Monday morning
With a song apon my lips
By Friday afternoon at 5
'Twas settled on my hips.
My bagpipe playing will improve
Whenever I quit smoking
I put a gasper down each drone (gasper n. cigarette)
The Scots, they think I'm joking.
[i, cfm, SM, R] Very satisfying, that last one - because of use of the word 'gasper', and also because of the cruelty to bagpipes.
It's all done, bar the shouting
And even that's diminished
So, when you're done with pouting
this rhyme, they say, is finished.
I'll raise a glass to one and all
A worthy toast it is
To this quite splendid cannonball
A long draught of Bucks Fizz
My first appears in sun and rain - solve the word puzzle - can we make this work?
The next in ears and nose.
My third in fourth but not in fifth
My fourth in drawers not hose
The time to buy some posher plonk (crossing over from the limerick game here)
Is the time when you have money
Then with winish snobbery
Serve it mixed with honey (I don't like them dry wines)
'Twas on a bright September morn
When I met my true love
But then the teacher caught us
As I began to shove Coat!
I wish I were the author
Of some fine erotic verse
I'd win you -- first with subtle rhymes
Then something more perverse
There's something big and hairy there.
Rebekah Brooks it is
She shares a hairdo with Shaun White
When it rains, it tends to frizz
I wish I had completed
What I set out to do
Alas, I was defeated
By black magic and voodoo
I wish I had a flower pot
To place upon my roof
Amongst the tiles and slates, it's bloom
Would brighten, fade, then...poof!
I wish the zombie at my door
Would kindly bugger off
He visited me once before
And all my brains did scoff
:^)
I have a small confession
'bout a weakness that I have
I have sworn off the repression
But deep down I'm just a chav.
I wish that I was ten feet tall That zombie one was excellent =)
I'd look down on the throng.
Then they would look up at me
And dangle from my thong
I called and left a message
That said please call me back
I guess you didn't hear it
Or you've given me the sack
I wish I were a sack of spuds
Wilja, Queens or Roosters
Producing enough biofuel
To launch two rocket boosters
I wish I was on top of things
I'd be a happenin' dude
My minions toiling down below
Would be completely screwed
I wish I had a bushy beard
I'd stroke it thoughtfully
And in it I'd collect stale food
For when there's naught for tea.
I wish I had a fine moustache
To hide my crooked lip
I wouldn't fake with chimney ash
In case my nose did drip
I wish I had big sideburns on we go...
Like 'Elvis mutton chops'
I'd wag them fiercely in your face
Until you called the cops.
My blue suede shoes are rather tight
My sparkly pants are, too
My hips are arthritic now
But Hound Dog, I love you
Oh, to live with floppy ears
Like HRH the heir
Which makes no sense to most of us
So shall we leave it there?
Let's have no nonsense. Careful now.
Mother's watching, you see.
The scansion is just hard, there, and it seems to have stalled us. May I offer a slight rewrite?

penelope: Let's have no nonsense. Careful now.

cfm: Mother's watching us.

CdM: So take it easy, Mrs Peel

Get it done - no fuss
I need some information
That is hid in antient tomes
It's all about the height of dwarves
And religious views of gnomes.
If I was blessed with hindsight
I'd know my bum was clean
Alas, I'm no contortionist
And so it goes unseen
The trouble with solicitors
Hang on, where do I start?
My phone is ringing off the hook
It rings each time I fart.
I wish I were a carpenter
You'd see that I can saw
I'd take out my nice big tool
And drop you through the floor assuming it's a wooden floor
I wish I were a foolish maid Brains? What are they good for? They only get you into trouble and create more work.
A-milking foolish cows
Flirting with a scurvy knave
And more, as time allows.
I wish I were not at this desk
At this ungodly hour
This corp'rate life is too grotesque
Except for those with power
Brains are just a waste of space
And so are dirty socks
But well-coiffed whiskers on one's face
Can cover up one's pocks
It only takes a second to ... - usa
Say "thank you" now and then
Manners maketh man you know
But banging maketh MEN!
I wish I were a mermaid
My shimmery tail would swish
Enticing foolish sailors
Who yearn women that smell like fish
Calypso on her island
Conceals her true intent
Her penchant for fresh crabmeat
To mask that fishy scent
If I were a door knocker
I'd want a change of job
I'd be shiny, bold as brass
And be a polished knob.
Behold this knob of butter
Behold this cob of corn
The use for these is obvious
Now, let's go make some porn
I wish I were a porn star
Is the title of a book
I've seen the author's photo
It wasn't worth the look
I wish I were a smuggler
I'd deal in contraband
Forget parades and celebrations
My wares are much too grand.
I wish my nose were bulbous
Karl Maldenesque, indeed
I'd snore with improved resonance
My breath it would impede mercy killing...
Have mercy on the graceless
The faceless and the lost
For without eyes they cannot see
And mouthless, cannot floss.
I wish I was a haggis
But fried instead of simmered.
With my buddies neeps and tatties
On pure white plates that glimmered.
Let he who is without sin cast
A blessing on this place
For purity is rare indeed
And we could use some grace
I wish I had pink toe shoes
And a pink tutu as well
I'd prance across the try line
Oh how I wish I was a gel
It only takes a little snip
To right those years of wrong
To redirect each errant ship
And invert that manly dong Coat!
The thickest mist has envelopèd
My normally robust brain
And thus it has developèd
To drizzle, then light rain.
Hidden text[Rosie] What ho, old chum!
I'm glad I'm not Italian [Where's you bin, Rosie?]
I'm not a fan of gnocchi
Focaccia brings me out in hives
Like Berlusconi's cock(y). (Softers, Phil(th)) Avoiding irritation and the consequent hypertensive stress and the casting of heavy objects at the screen. However, this place is addictive.
I wish I were a hedgehog
All cute, but rather prickly
Hidden text[Rosie] thought so.
I'd take care while crossing roads
Or I'd meet my Maker quickly
I wish I were a filament
Or something just as tenuous
This constant need for intro lines
Is getting rather strenuous Oblig.
I wish that I could start anew
And be sixteen again
I wouldn't have a single clue
But sex would be the same
I wish I knew just what to do
In high-class situations
My knowledge of such etiquette
Is scant, and strains relations.
I wish I could convince you
That rats and voles and foxes
Lack pouches like a kangaroo's
So keep their young in boxes  Poor form to post twice in the same verse, but it just seemed right.
I wish my next-door neighbour
Would leave her curtains open
My TV isn't working [CdM] Sometimes you just know what has to be done. We've all been there
So I'm sittin' here just mopin'
I wish the cold would go away
And visit Timbuctu
Cos then, I could just throw away
This useless cure for 'flu
I wish I were the antidote
To all things good and pure
Just read The Sun and take it in
Then don't read any more.
Detaching burrs from dog fur
Is a fine career for all!
It's advertised on craigslist
For it's best to start off small
To find a pleasant country home
One must search far and wide
While if you want a council flat
Let caution be your guide
I wish I were a rock star
Like Freddie M of Queen
I'd give myself a pseudonym
Like "Prince" or "Mr Bean"
I wish I were a comic
Ironic and profane
With fortune astronomic
And a demeanour insane
I wish I were a member
But I can't afford the dues
And also I was blackballed
For having muddy shoes
A friend of mine once told me
She was born on Ganymede
By Jove, she's Galilean
And rides a martian steed.
I wish that I were liquid
I'd then go with the flow
And if I had a quick wit
Be quicksilver on the go
My horse has lost his whinny
And worse than that, its neigh
It's gone mute, poor hinny
That's all there is to say
A cat has got my horse's tongue
And ate the whole thing down
And now her caterwaul sounds hoarse
Which makes the neigh-bores frown.
I wish I were a diction'ry (Chalky, last one) Gracefully terminated at long last.
My life would have such meaning!
I'd never be at a loss for words
They call it verbal preening ... which seems to be stalling the natural flow of this game [Ta Rosie]
I'd hate to be a pinko *ducks*
'Cos all my friends are Tories
And doubtless they would think, "Oh..."
"never mind those dodgy stories" mercy killing
I wish I were a carving knife
I'd slice the Christmas ham
My cuts would all be fancy
the best of them just glam!
I wish it was still Nineteen Ten only because it scans and might have a rhyme
When I was just a tot
My dear Mama was nineteen then
But me, I'd seen the lot.
I wish it were tomorrow
And not just half-past-eight
Because I will be given
A purple, wrought-iron gate
I wish today would never end
Tomorrow I get hung
[Raak] LOL
And well hung I hope you'll be (Raak) Did you mean hanged?.
When from the rope we're swung
I need a way to make this clean
And free from filthy canker
Lest I be charged with lechery
And told to leave Sri Lanka
I wish I were a drawing pin Last one v. good, esp. Chalky
Point-up upon a chair
To prick the pompous arses when ... Ta Rosie :)
I feel their derriere TVM. A gift.
I wish I were a guinea pig [Darren] Did you mean swanged?
Caged up in a lab [CdM] That's the sort of thing Google usually says to me.
Warm and cosy, drugs galore
Doesn't that sound fab?
I wish I had a horse and plough
And maybe one small field
I'd have a place to sow wild oats
Before my fate was sealed
I wish I had a quiet weekend [Chalky] "Sri Lanka" - excellent :-)
Sailing the Aegean sea
I'd sail inside a giant yacht
Just, I, myself, and me.
Some lovely glow-worms recently, goed gedaan
I wish the housework did itself
While I snoozed 'neath the covers
My Roomba, Scooba, REEM, and Nao
Cleaning up during their hovers
I wish I had another arm
I'd hug you even tighter
And when you were relaxed and calm
I'd box your ears, you blighter. Confused messages. Keep 'em on their toes
The answer to this anagram
Is "Awesome tartan thrashing"
I've solved it here's the answer:

Software - I've solved it! Here's the answer question:
CdM - O what's a reet rant mashing?
Footnote 1: @Darren Yes, I did see what you did there
Footnote 2: @Software Apologies for taking that liberty with your line
Footnote 3: "rant" (Scots dialect, stretching usage just a bit) = merry, wild
[CdM] Yeah, as soon as I posted it I realised I'd screwed up the poem. It would have been better to try for it on line 4. Still, onwards and upwards.

The answer to this anagram
O what's a reet rant mashing?...
What that means is anger or
Awesome tartan thrashing
Now there's class.

I wish I had a snooker cue

I'd pot a ball or two ... admirable work on last one, Darren and CdM :-)
For those watching in black and white
I'll pot the pink, then blue.
I wish my head was screwed on right
Alas, it's set askew
So please ignore my curious stance
On quitting the EU
I wish you'd stop your robbing banks
For making themselves rich
And why am I still firing blanks?
My snip still needs a stitch (A merciful seeing off, sorry Chalks)
Thanks pen - was wondering how to 'do the double' and get rid of the darned thing myself ..
I wish my current deadline
Was twenty weeks away
But sadly I am overdue
From the 21st last May
I wish I were just virtual
Instead of flesh and bone
I'd feed off Apple- Macintosh
And leave the cakes alone Funny how the line comes to you after five days or so...
I wish I mashed potatoes
The way my mother did
Some subtle twisting of the wrist
Then mix in puréed squid
I wish that I lived closer
to Kingston-upon-Hull
Right now I live near Worcester
Where life's just dross and dull
Oh how I wish this Valentine
That I were wed, not single
When I am 80 who will care
To share my final Pringle?
... Because, when all the chips are down [Darren} Nice.
You know who you can trust
Not gold, nor crown, nor any thing
But you can rely on lust.
I wish it weren't leap year
Have to work an extra day
To make it worse, it's New Year's Eve,
At least that's months away apologies for the double entry, couldn't pass it up
It takes a leap of faith
To cross the gorge of doubt
Or so the parson saith
To prove one is devout
I wish it weren't so quiet
I really, really do
For if I could hear a whisper
I may just talk to you
I wish to make a statement
That's short and bold and true
....: There will be an abatement
While I am on the loo sorrysorrysorry
While sitting in the smallest room
I think my largest thoughts
And sometimes I might fall asleep
Enthroned on chamberpots
The thing with toilet humour
Is it's easy to pooh-pooh
The top reasons- numbers one and two
You first must use the loo
There wasn't any questioning
Of the first suspect in queue
The second, third, and fourth went by
But now we'll question you
I wish I were in Dixie
In past subjunctive mood
Meetin' y'all and eatin' grits
And other Southern food
Sing Glory Hallelujah!
And praise the Lord as well!
Then buckle on your Bible belt
This ark's rocking like hell.
And take the road to Hell
Drat simulpost, ah well ...

I'm reeling from the budget

I don't know how I'll pay
I guess I'll have to fudge it
And clear my debts some day.
This most delightful weather Can you really tell that I'm English?
Surely cannot last [pen] how about me, then?
The only question's whether
The storm comes slow or fast
In Spring, a young man's fancies
Are the same as Summmer's and Fall's
The Susies and Jennies and Nancies
Will just kick him in the balls ... coat! ..
At weekends I like lazing
With tea and chocolate biccs
Just sitting in my armchair
In a bra and lacy knicks Least said, soonest mended
... mended. [Made me chuckle, mind]
Chalky - I'd love to take a holiday
To Margate I shall go
With thermal vest and woolly socks
And bucketloads of dough ... sorry - greedy greedy me taking another line
Returning to the office,
He found his desk had gone
"The second time this week!" he thought
"Just what is going on?"
He went to see the Bureau Chief
Demanding explanation
Insisting that he catch the thief
Or tend his resignation.
The Bureau Chief was unimpressed
And quickly sent him packing
The office cleaner then confessed
She'd sent the desk for stacking
The cleaner hadn't realised
That desks were custom-built
Stacking, it could be surmised
Produced an ominous tilt
The Chief sought out this listing stack
And made a bold decision
Even though he knew his staff
Would meet it with derision
"We'll make a matching stack of chairs
Just there, beside the door
And when the workforce grows in size
They'll sit upon the floor."
*is almost afraid to add to the 6 stanzas above which appear to have auto[Raak]-completed with stark yet exquisite simplicity*
And as no-one else has waded in - shall we leave it as it is?
They'll all join hands and sing a song
Of how, in days gone by,
The desks were stacked, quite out of reach
And we'll all wonder why....
But suddenly the bottom desk
Slipped right out of line
The bureau chief was heard to shout,
"Stand back - that one is mine!"
And then, with a tremendous crash
(Preceded by a rumbling)
The pile of office fur-nit-ure
On his head came a-tumbling. - oops
The moral of our sorry tale
Will soon become quite clear
For stacking wobbly desks is fraught
With risk to one's career.
Thank God! The chief was only bruised
And bounced back with panache
He said "I'll sack the silly fool"
And sneered 'neath his moustache.
So what would be the cleaner's fate?
Would she just lose her rag?
No, this char is far too cool
And sneaks out for a fag.
But when she steps outside the door
The nasty boss is waiting
"How dare you stack those desks", he booms
With tone harsh and berating
The tangled heap of fallen desks
Lies just inside the door
The cleaner is defiant
She won't take it any more
"You can stick your desks," the cleaner cries
"Somewhere the sun don't shine"
"Like in the basement storage room"
"Where I must work from mine!" echoes of 'Office Space' here. I expect the next verse will be about TPS reports. Mmm-yeh.
The moral of our sorry tale
Is: sometimes rhymes persist
#stackgate was an #epicfail
I fear it won't be missed
I wish I had a cucumber
And fine sliced white bread too
I'd make the blandest sandwich
Then flush it down the loo.
I'm glad I'm using wholemeal bread
The white stuff's bland and sickly
This boring glow worm needs an end
Please someone do it QUICKLY!
Sorry RoseWare - 1 out of 10 on the interesting scale :)
Portmanteau words are all the rage
Where would brands be without them!
They're everywhere this day and age He started it, miss.
'Cos advertisers shout 'em
I must see my accountant!
The numbers make no sense!
They all appear to be in red
But for this fifty pence.
I wish I were a molecule
Something nice like AYTCH TOO OH
>b>Instead, I'm an electron
And my life is filled with woe.
The wily Questing Beast's afoot
So hide behind the sofa
And if it nears, just raise your boot
But not if it's a loafer.
God particles are hard to find
Without acceleration
But scientists of true heart and mind
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