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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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With splishy-sploshy raindrops
As big as drops of dew
The sun today is very hot
But the air is very cold
Sunburn, frostbite, all at once
But where? You shan't be told
I'm working very hard today
At writing deathless prose
I'm trying to clear my desk, you see
Of all that is verbose.
The midnight oil's all been burned
Adding to greenhouse gases
The textbook pages have been turned
By studious lads and lasses.
The time has come for all good men
To join in our just cause
And if we find agreement, then
We'll campaign to change the laws
Good women too, are needed here
They add that feminine touch
As long as they don't get ideas
And wear the trousers much *steams*
I wish I were a referee (pen) Not surprised. Get some water in the boiler - quick.
I rule with rod of steel
Don't hesitate to show the red
If the goalie's not genteel.
The linesman has an easy job
He types <hr> and lo!
A new fresh piece of webpage
Let creative juices flow!
The policeman's lot is happy
As kettling he doth go
He views the world as crappy
He's act'lly right, you know.
The marks are all submitted
The final grades are in
The students are all failing
Their careers are in the bin
If I were Occam's Razor
I'd only have one blade
The epiphytes of reason
Expediently flayed
If I were that much shorter
Then I wouldn't bump my head
But six foot four-and-a-quarter
I can't fit in my bed!
I wish a were a piece of gum
Stuck underneath a desk
I'm bioindestructible
And truly look grotesque
A blob of primal bubble gum
With plastic spider in
Oh dear, am I in trouble, mum?
For ruining your gin? mercy killing
I wish I were a tapeworm
As some have done before
I'd sink my suckers in your gut
And have a proper gnaw
I wish I hadn't started
To paint this flipping bridge
My arms are jolly tired
And all bitten by a midge
I wish I were a cheesecake
Covered in blueberries
Served with Cornish clotted cream
And on the top some cherries.
Or some fruit or other from Waitrose in Didcot which is even posher than Newbury's. What a complete pile of crap.
I used to have ambition
Me too; I now know better
Why bother when there's someone else
Who's more of a go-getter
I'll never give up trying
I'll always do my best
OK, OK, I'm lying
Glad I got that off my chest
I wish I were a penguin
I can't quite fathom why
I'd be waddling in the bitter cold
Under a shelterless sky.
I wish I knew the reason
My nose keeps falling off
Though it really only happens
When I stick it in the trough.
I wish I knew what I should do
But I am now in despair
If only I could find a clue
But I've looked everywhere.
I'm glad I'm not a bidet
It's a rather thankless position
I sluice away the products
Of a person's bottom section
I love my little lobster
Jayne Mansfield is her name
She will not lie or rob, sir
And she's not a crabby dame
I used to count on fingers
But now we all use digits
With bits and bytes I get confused
And nybbles give me fidgets.
While seated at the organ [Rosie] Up went the lobsters, Boiinnng!
I played a Bach cantata (Kim) Those infernal crustaceans.
The coda it was foregone
Like sex in Lysistrata.
The Big Bad Wolf is at the door
I heard his Big Bad howl
I'm curled up on the Big Bad floor
With Big Bad Tessa Jowell. Tess y diawl ( = Tess the devil).
I wish I were a Murdoch Hack
Gath'ring lies and muck
I'd rake it in a heinous stack
And print it. What the f*ck.
I wish I were a grease gun Pe-NE-lopeh, really! Nice one, BTW.
To lube your balls of steel
A dollop just might ease one
But I'd have to check and feel the showerproof trench in lilac... thanks
I wish I were connected
Like the Internet at home
I'd have my own IP address
Like private-eye@gnome.
Hidden textAll right, it's an email address. Bugger off.:-)
I wish I had some glasses
To pour us all a drink
Then we'd start making passes
At penelope we'd wink you know you like it, really ;o)
Once, I winked at a poet
I bet it were Ian MacMillan
I wondered how you'd know it
As he's not exactly thrillin' sorrysorrysorry
I wish I were a drawing pin
Dropped point-up on the floor
I'll lurk there 'til your unshod feet
Learn what a pin is for.
The Purpose of the Noble Pin
[cfm] More good stuff! The pin and the Lysistrata ones are two of my recent favorites.
Is simple to explain:
It pricks, it pierces, burrows in
To produce instant pain
They tried to pin it on me
And I gave a girlish shriek
As my plasma went free
I started feeling weak.
I started Monday morning
With a song apon my lips
By Friday afternoon at 5
'Twas settled on my hips.
My bagpipe playing will improve
Whenever I quit smoking
I put a gasper down each drone (gasper n. cigarette)
The Scots, they think I'm joking.
[i, cfm, SM, R] Very satisfying, that last one - because of use of the word 'gasper', and also because of the cruelty to bagpipes.
It's all done, bar the shouting
And even that's diminished
So, when you're done with pouting
this rhyme, they say, is finished.
I'll raise a glass to one and all
A worthy toast it is
To this quite splendid cannonball
A long draught of Bucks Fizz
My first appears in sun and rain - solve the word puzzle - can we make this work?
The next in ears and nose.
My third in fourth but not in fifth
My fourth in drawers not hose
The time to buy some posher plonk (crossing over from the limerick game here)
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